Awhile

I quote David Levithan's Lovers Dictionary:

“awhile, adv.

I love the vagueness of words that involve time. 'It took him awhile to come back' -- it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.
It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instance that made me feel, oh, this could be right, But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that.
Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there's no signal event. There's just the steady accumulation of 'awhile'.”

It has been a long time since I've last posted something here - about a year ago. And a lot has happened. A lot has changed. I want to tell you of it all but with the given limitations of my situation - a ticking internet cafe timer, and a memory that of a goldfish, I cannot narrate it in details. Good thing, there are bullets! 

(Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Since August 2013...)

• I became a Christian.
• I finished Research 2. Major Revision paper, Major Revision life (with results worthy of Distinction, all praises and honor be to Christ).
• Recognition 2014: Best in RLE for Fourth Year, and Excellence in Deportment Awardee (praise God).
• My Uncle Choy and Lola Merced arrived from States for my graduation, and Jelo's and Fran's as well.
• I graduated college.(Finally.)
• I reviewed at Powerhouse and had this year's best 2 months, ever! :D
• I woke up with a blurry vision, floaters, and seeing "cobwebs". Then I got diagnosed as having Central Retinal Vein occlusion and Glaucoma OU, by an ophthalmologist who would make you second guess his profession judging by his "clinic" at Cebu Doc. Then, for the first time in forever and hope it doesn't happen again, I got 'operated' using LASER, and is maintained by Timolol drops for...well, for ever. (Which God used for me to realize that I should live by FAITH and not by Sight, which is quite clever using it in its literal form, but is really fine if that's what He wills :)
• I took the NLE last May 25-26. 
• I realized  I would get bored from a one week vacation - which led me to the next bullet.
• I applied to different call centers, and was denied by the same call centers.
• I applied to ESL at CPILS. Got hired. Now undergoing training. And was promised to start teaching next week. (Ambivalence).
• I learned how hard it is to apply for something completely out of your field!
• During application days for call centers and ESL, my eyes were becoming sensitive to nurses and their white uniforms. Like I could spot them in a 10-mile radius, or just stare at them walking by and thinking to myself..."wow, my dream uniform, right there.."
• Ransacked my closet, and my cousins' as well, to look for dresses...et voila, our "dress" code for teaching. (</3)
• Knew the difference between "cabinet" and "closet", "I don't mind" and "I don't care", even "table" from a "desk". (Like seriously, who would have thought it would be so hard to tell the difference between them...but again, seriously, ask yourself and then tell me it's not hard.)
• Feeling the feeling of being a student once again, but this time, majoring in English.
• Did something really stupid. But then learned from it. I hope this time, for good.
• And now? I'm still waiting for the results, which was said to be released before this month ends.

It's amazing how a year could change a person so much. But I came to know it's not the time, nor the situation, nor the people in your life that changes you. God does. God just uses them as His instruments to make you become more like His Son, Jesus Christ. And as for me, I cannot thank my God for changing me. Even if it means through disappointments, rejections, heartaches, pain, illnesses, and waiting in Faith. 

2 Corinthians 5:17"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ. He is a new creation! The old has gone, the new has come."

ID: Lost and Found

It was on a Sunday when I found out that my Identification Card, or more shortly called as ID, was not on it's green ID card holder with a sling provided by my school. My initial reaction was shock, of course. I knew how tedious it is when a school property, such as a library card or an ID, would be lost. You'd have to  file an affidavit of loss to an attorney, you'd have to provide a new picture, and the list just goes on and on. I know these stuff because I've experienced accompanying my friends to go through this "legalization" stage of declaring a loss. And in most cases, it isn't just the ID that was lost on the process, along with those would be your time (for studying, perhaps) or a considerable sum of money (for booksales, perhaps).

Anyhow, the difference this time was that, it was my ID that was missing. Most people who know me would probably say I am a sentimental person. And that includes being sentimental to, well, material things. On the back portion of our school ID, it had these series of boxes that corresponds to the Semester and School Year. Every semestral enrollment, we would let the librarians sign the respective box. That would indicate you've been officially enrolled in that semester. I recalled how I made those simple boxes as motivations to really pursue it till the last box. And with every box that got signed in red ink, so does my sentimental value to that ID card - especially now that I am down to my one last box.

But again, on that very morning of a Sunday, it was like I lost a precious thing to me. I thought I was cursed -  with losing ID cards, that is. I lost my ID card back when I was at my last year in high school...the same incident that happened! Tell me I'm not cursed.

But that is not the reason why I composed an entry about my lost ID. This isn't a talk-about-the-weather type of entry.

Going back to that frozen scene of finding out I lost my ID, I then forced myself to recollect and retrace the latest bit of memory I had with it. Was it on the internet shop? Did I left it in my bag? I rummaged but found nothing. I asked the internet shop clerk, they found nothing of sorts. Where could I have left it? I was at wit's end. I was losing hope. I was frustrated with how my memory served me with these stained-glass thoughts. I asked God where I could have put it. I asked Him as if a toddler asking her mother to give her that doll on the toystore...fervently and like losing all hope. I even wanted to curl into a ball, assume a fetal position and just, degenerate.

I prayed to God. I asked Him to help me remember and find my ID. I asked my apologies to Him how I would pridefully show the back portion of my ID so that anyone could see that I have only one unsigned box left. I didn't know losing that school property would offer me so much realization.

I told Him, "Lord, if this is Your will, and that You are telling me something through this situation, please help me understand what it is.". I told Him that.

God really never fails to amaze me. Sometimes, His answers take time, and by time I mean a long time (for the human mind trapped in the space-time continuum). But it could also come in a split second, like when you turn your eyes to the bulletin board of your Student's Affairs Office after you've been denied by your librarians saying they haven't found a card with my face and name on it.

There was it. My name. Under the Found Items section. How silly of me not considering about the Lost and Found Section. But sometimes, silly is all you can be after you've realized how you've become so focused on the problem and overlooking what God is already saying to you.

Another realization will be applied in a romantic way. I already notice eyeballs rolling. Nevertheless, the understanding came up to me. Maybe, my significant other is like my lost ID. I kept on looking for him on all the wrong places, as I did looking for my ID on the internet cafe, and library, and my bag. And because with every search comes futile results, I would resort to doing 'silly' things, and thinking about 'silly' thoughts (Reference note: the 'curling-into-a-ball-and-just-degenerate' part).

But alas, amidst all these things, it is really important to still consult God's guidance. Because He is always telling us something. Asking for His guidance and will isn't the last step, in fact, it is only the beginning. Most people, including myself, miss the second step. And that is to TRUST that He is really guiding us to the right path. It entails us to put our faith on Him that we would soon find what it is that we are missing - just as I have found my missing ID.

Don't Fall in Love with People Like Me

“Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes

Do not fall in love
With people like me;
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth

Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name

Do not fall in love
With people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold

Do not fall in love
with people like me.
We will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet

We will never learn
how to be soft

We will leave.
We always do.”

— Do Not Fall in Love With People Like Me

Maging Isang Maykatha

"The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes."

- Annie Dillard

The Writing Life

Walang masama sa pagiging isang mambabasa. Ngunit kung hanggang doon ka nalang, parang ang kulang naman ata?

Oo, sinisipsip mo nga ang mga idea na binabasa mo galing sa boses at opinyon ng ibang tao, subalit gugustuhin mo bang hanggang doon ka nalang? Sa pagsisipsip at pangongolekta ng mga idea? 

Isipin mo ito, saan ang sa tingin mo mas malaman mag-pahayag ng chismis? (1) Yung certified hardcore chismosa, o (2) yun talagang pinanggagalingan ng mismong pangyayari sa chismis? Kung pinili mo yung pangalawa, siguro mas komportable kang makinig sa mga nakasulat na salita sa mga pahayagan. Kung pinili mo yung nauna, e siguro alam mo na kung saan patungo ang mga sinasabi ko. 

Ang chismosa kasi, para siyang taong mahilig mag-basa ng mga libro. Binabasa nya at ina-absorb lahat ng sinasabi ng bawat may katha. Pwede siyang sumangayon o sumalungat, ngunit ang dulo dito e siya ang mas maraming back story.

Harayain mo nga, pag ang chismosang yan, natutong magsulat, inilipat ang lahat ng ideyang kanyang nakalap sa bawat librong binasa at hinalo sa kanyang sariling opinyon, et voila, naging isang manunulat.

Siguro ang tunay na kinatatakutan ng lahat ng tao ay hindi ang kamatayan. Kundi ang paglimot. Pagkatakot na ang isang tulad nya na minsang gumala at nagkalat sa mundong ibabaw e maibabaon nalang sa limot. Dahil rin siguro hindi na kailangan mamatay ang isang tao upang magkaroon siya ng gate pass into oblivion. 

Kung naging mambabasa ka lang, sa tingin ko e masla-laki ang tsansa mong manalo ng jackpot prize ng tiket to oblivion. Subalit kung nag-iwan ka ng basura (kahit mangamoy man ito o hindi) at ipapahid mo ito sa isang papel gamit ang nag-tataeng tinta -- nag-iwan ka parin ng palatandaan sa mundo kung gaano ka kagaling maging isang magkakalat.

Ang gusto ko lang iparating e, wag ka lang makontentong maging isang mambabasa. Maihahanlintulad mo ang sarili mo sa isang leecher ng website-pandownload ng mga ripped movies. Wag mong sipsipin at itago at angkinin at ibaon sa limot lahat ng ideya mo at idea ng ibang tao diyan sa utak mo na di kalaunan at aagnasin din pagdating ng panahon. Bumuo ka rin ng sarili mong obra! Magsulat ka. Iparinig mo ang iyong boses sa pamamagitan ng binabasang salita. Mag-iwan ka ng basura kagaya ng mga awtor na kinagigiliwan mong libro. Total, kung self-proclaimed magbabasa ka (at magaling ka sa larangang iyan), isa ka ring certified hardcore chismosa.

Hell Semester [A Teaser Post]

I have been meaning to compose an entry as to the events that has happened to me since the commencement of second semester otherwise known as "Hell Semester". But apparently, I do not have the luxury of time to do so. That does not mean, however, that I will not write about it anymore. Perhaps during the Christmas break (if, of course, we will still have the privilege of enjoying one), you could expect an entry from me.

Until then :)

A Silver Lining

Someday, I won't be writing about you anymore.

All these unhealthy feelings that are concealed deep within the crevices of my heart - like spider webs on an abandoned manor - will be dusted off.

I am hopeful.

It may take some time, but then again, time is all that is left of me now.

"But I hope it happens to me someday..."

I'm On The Right Track

❝ I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."

— Pablo Neruda

Them Bullets

Today is Thursday - in an Intramurals week, that is. And for that, we do not have classes (insert ecstatic gif right here).

For the four days of sleeping-late-waking-up-late routine, I have came to the conclusion of a few little things. And by a few I mean I need to write about them in bullets:

• I did not expect I would actually come to think of this but...I find that the internet is getting boring. I mean, it's not like four years ago when I could live for days locked up in my room with just fast internet connection and chocolate turtle cake. Now, I could barely last 8 hours straight. And that's already saying something.
• I realized that reading about 4 chapters of Gastrointestinal System (status: 3 out of 4) + 1 Module of Colostomy Care (still pending, by the way) is way too much for me to handle. I used to love G.I. back in elementary. It was my favorite system, as a matter of fact. I wonder what ever happened to that now.  Like I just became fed up about it (no pun intended). It's making me a little bit hypochondriac, too. The long exam is gonna be next week, and still I feel like the topics are not sinking in to me. It's like I keep on missing something...my enthusiasm? Oh, I hope not. One thing's fo sure though, it's not like in elementary anymore. 
• My phone is the most depressing thing ever. I keep myself from checking on it because if I did it would only make me feel even more alone. Like "yeah, thanks a lot, phone, for rubbing it in my face how big of a party my sms-life is." 
• Combi Crackers (the blue ones) are to die for! They just cure every bit of chocolate craving in me without getting too guilty for the price. I'm munching one right now.
• I'm looking forward to borrowing Paper Towns, from my friend who also lent me Looking For Alaska. John Green is such an amazing author. My friend is such an amazing friend.
• Yesterday night I watched A Walk To Remember for the first time ever (no kidding!) alone. Do you ever feel that lump in your throat when you try with all your might to hold back your tears? This was what I was doing when I watched the movie. I had to do that cause it was already late and everyone was sleeping and imagine if one of my family wakes up to see me crying my heart out (coryza dripping and all) with just the light coming from the laptop screen illuminating my face. Oh, I cannot find any fitting adjective on how to describe this movie. Saying it was heart-warming would not suffice. And I presume most of you have already seen the movie, so you probably know what I mean.
• And I'm undoubtedly worried about next week. That's the thing about the week after a no-class week...it's gonna be a little agonizing convincing yourself that it's back to reality again. (OR/DR PRC forms to be submitted, long exams and quizzes, biostat shizznits, one-point something depressions, et cetera.)

On the bright side, I still have the remaining days of me being a free citizen to do some catching up. So...yeah. 

Hiling by Silent Sanctuary

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipin ka

Lalo na sa t'wing nag iisa 

Ano na kayang balita sayo 

Naiisip mo rin kaya ako? 

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala 

Wala nang dahilan para lumuha 

Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago

Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso

Parang kulang nga kapag ika'y wala 

At hihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin 

Hihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin... 

Patungo... 

Ala-ala mong tinangay na ng hangin

Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin 

Nasan ka na kaya, aasa ba sa wala? 

At hihiling sa mga bituin... 

Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin... 

Hihiling kahit dumilim... 

Ang aking daan na tatahakin... 

Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo... 

Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil... 

Nais ka lamang mahagkan... 

Nais ka lamang masilalayan... 

Kahit alam kong tapos na

Kahit alam kong wala ka na... 

At Hihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin

Hihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin

Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo.