You Can Never Outgrow God

 Do you think you can outgrow your God?

Do you think because your situation now in life is different, feels much harder than those you faced 5,10 years ago, that his power won’t do anymore?

Do you think that the God you’ve know and loved so much when you were younger, is distant and different now that you’re married and have a family?

Do you think, just because you were single then, God can handle you and your “single” problems; but now you’re married and have a special child, that your God is now too small for your “many” problems?

Do you believe that your problems now with special needs parenting and the future of your kid are too complicated and hard for God?

Do you think he has turned a deaf ear to your problems, and seem cold and distant and hard to reach for you, compared to when it was just the two of you?

Do you think he is not as involved now with you because you have so much on your hands?

Think again. 

Just because you “feel” like he is far away, because you’re drowning with too many things and sometimes all at once, drowning and at the same time feeling like God isn’t responding to you; or if when he is, it feels like it’s because this time you've prayed hard enough, bible studied more solemnly this time, or etc that his response is because of something good you did?

Ayiin, the God you’ve known from all these previous entries here in your younger years is still the same God whom you pray to now that you’re in this chapter of your life. He never changed!

He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His Word hasn’t changed. His truth and promises are still the same. They are yours and for you in Christ! Jesus is not a “was”. He didn’t stay in the grave. He’s risen! And to where you might ask? To sit at the right hand of God. Why? To intercede for us, of course!

Your prayers now are not different from those prayers you prayed before. They may differ in content, and even feel meaty now because it’s not just your own needs you carry to the throne, but all your family’s needs! So yes, they may differ in content and pleas. But they are still handled and are heard by the same Divine Ears and felt by the same gentle and lowly heart. It’s still the same God who listens and hears and answers them. It is still the same God who daily bears our burdens. It is still the same God you know when your heart was full and waiting on him. 

Still the same God who has compassion on you then. Still the same God who made those promises you found comfort in. Familiarity breeds complacency but it doesn’t make them not true. 

Ayiin, pray for fresh eyes. Pray that the promises of God may awaken your dormant heart that is weighed down and numbed by the many cares you have. 

And wait. 

Wait for him. Hope in him. Trust in him. He is still the same God. He is still for you. He is still with you. Every step of the way. In every day. Even unto your old age. 

I may not understand…

 Father God,

I may not understand why you have given us this peculiar blessing of our child having autism but nonetheless Lord we receive it with thankfulness in our hearts because this comes from you so it must be a good thing despite the work it entails. The work indeed brings us closer to you. Of placing us in a position to trust you for the uncertain future ahead. And for leaning on you for our daily need of strength, patience, and perseverance. Putting to test and realizing that the verse “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” is true. Truly Lord it is with such great need that we find ourselves daily at your mercy seat, but all is well because I know Jesus Christ interceding on my behalf, too. I harken the invitation of Hebrews 4:16 “let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Though the enemy assails me and torments me with lies; causes my heart to be overwhelmed with panic and dread, physically and mentally, I know my God is stronger than he who is in the world. He promises comfort to me. He is a refuge from all my troubles. He knows the earthly struggle his believers endure and he takes pity on them. He knows the anxiety that plague this mother’s heart and he invites me to cast my anxieties unto him because he cares for me. 

He says in his word that he gently leads those with young. Like a shepherd who gathers his lambs in his bosom, so shall he also carry me and my child and my family. The Lord is good. I live upon his tender mercies day by day. And his mercies sees me through day by day. 

Nicolo,

I count the days until I have you in my arms again. I will not be afraid because the Lord will be faithful. All the pain and sacrifice I have endured for this will to him not be for naught because he will accomplish what he wants to be done by this. Even the faulty decisions of man could not limit nor alter God’s grand design. It is not something that he is surprised. He is not surprised when by my first born child’s special gift of Autism. He is not surprised that we are far apart now. He is not surprised by our strange and unconventional family situation. He understands our motives. He is merciful to our ways. The Lord will portion to us what he wills and he will enable us to bear that portion by his grace. 

Lord, I am indeed suffering. But all suffering is not for nothing if it comes from your all-powerful and loving hand. 

2024

 Hi Blogger. Wow, I'm still amazed that you're still here.

I don't know where to start. To say a lot has happened is an understatement. My mind is in bits and pieces. I'll try to lay out my thoughts and vexations here as best as I can. 

Nicolo

Nicolo is now going 3 years old. But I feel like I missed a year of him. Last December, after almost a year of deliberation, my husband and I made a decision to leave him under the care of my mom in the Philippines. It still pains my heart but I remind myself we made that decision for the best of our family and for Nicolo.

Family life is not easy here in Vermont. Two full-time working parents and a toddler, in a place that's winter and snowing most part of the year. Work takes a good chunk of our energy, and we feel like Nicolo only gets what's left of us. We have no family close by to help. Nicolo rarely has interaction with others except the 2 days he is on daycare, and a couple of hours on Playworld (a kids' gym free admission). We see that it clearly is taking a toll on his development. Nicolo is delayed in more areas in his development, in speech and social skills. I still wait for the day to hear him say "Mama" or "Papa" to us, and he's now going 3.

And then there's the scare that he might be on the spectrum, too. I am just thankful to God that we are able to send him to therapies (he is seeing Occupational Therapy, and will start with Speech this week, at 2.7 years old). I am also thankful to God that by some miracle, our schedule to see a Developmental Pediatrician got bumped up to months earlier, so instead of this August, he will be seen on March. So I praise God for that.

It is hard. My heart breaks. I lose sleep, I wake up in the middle of my sleep and there are times I feel like a train of thoughts just rams my head. Is that what panic attack is? In one of those moments I was thankful to God for one of my ates in our Thursday Ladies DGroup. God really knew I needed someone to remind me of His goodness and promises that he allowed me to have that conversation with my ate.

I don't know what awaits for us. All my strivings and sacrifices I offer it to God. I am counting the days until we get reunited again and be a complete family. 

I am also continually praying for Nicolo and his wellbeing. I trust the Lord that nothing surprises him, and that he has already planned out our lives before they came to be. I can trust in his goodness and faithfulness. He cares for me and Nicolo more that I can. 

Whatever they find out, I am confident that God will supply all our needs in Christ Jesus. ASD or not, I believe that God is our God and he never changes. In this life, sufferings are paired with God's mercies. Jesus came to earth and felt the sufferings we feel right now that makes me identify with him and he with us. So he knows. I am confident he knows and he cares. He invites me to take his yoke upon him, and learn from him, for his yoke is easy, and his burdens are light. Though my heart breaks because of failed expectations of what I think a child should be, Jesus invites me to see that everything that comes out of God's hands is good. Jesus taught me to pray as he did in the garden of Gethsemane, as I await for March 7th, as I wait for Doc Baylon's assessment of Nicolo, that “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me—nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42).

I came across this quote from Susannah Spurgeon that has given me comfort.

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Directly from the Father’s Hand 

Psalm 31:15

Why need I trouble or tremble?

That great, loving, powerful hand keeps all the events of my life sealed and secure within its almighty clasp, and only He, my Maker and Master, can permit them to pass from His keeping and be revealed to me one by one as His will for me. What a compassionate, gracious arrangement!

How eminently fitted to fulfill that sweet promise of His Word, “Thou shalt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee!” If we fully believed this, we should be absolutely devoid of the care that corrodes and chafes the daily life of so many professing Christians.
Not one or two important epochs of my history only, but everything that concerns me—joys that I had not expected; sorrows that must have crushed me if they could have been anticipated; sufferings that might have terrified me by their grimness had I looked upon them; surprises that infinite love had prepared for me; services of which I could not have imagined myself capable—all these lay in that mighty hand as the purposes of God’s eternal will for me.
 
But, as they have developed gradually and silently, how great has been the love that appeared, enwrapping and enfolding each one!

• Has not the grief been measured, while the gladness has far more abounded?
• Have not the comforts and consolations exceeded the crosses and complaints?

Have not all things been so arranged, ordered, undertaken, and worked out on our behalf that we can but marvel at the goodness and wisdom of God in meting out from that dear hand of His all the times that have passed over us?

You agree with me in all this, do you not, dear reader?

Then, I pray you, apply it to your present circumstances, however dark or difficult they may be. They have come direct from your Father’s hand to you, and they are His dear will. 

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Avant Contract Completion

March 2021 was when I started my contract with my agency Avant. By the grace of God, I already only have a couple of hours left out of the 5200 hours. Praise God.

Life Update

 It has been over a year since I made an entry here. Motherhood and homemaking has made me very busy, that on top of having a full-time job as a nurse. To have the free time to write here is a God-given luxury courtesy of our "online babysitter" Miss Rachel's Songs For Littles on YouTube TV. 

So how am I holding up, you might ask? I am trying. Some days are good, other days are hard. But isn't that what life is about, right? Whether you're a single woman or a homemaker. 

Nicolo is 14 months old now. I know. I speak like those typical moms who count their children's ages in months and not years. 'Oh my baby is now 18 months'. In my mind I would be like, 'Cool. Thanks for giving us a math problem.'. Funny how I do that too, now. So yes, Nicolo is now 14 months. 

A little over a year and I cannot believe how much he's grown. For someone so little, Nicolo is such a powerhouse. He's learned how to walk (during our 3 weeks stay in the Philippines he did). Oh yes, we went home home for 3 weeks to have our families see Nicolo for the first time. (I would have wrote a different entry on that if I only had the time). He is also perpetually drooling; almost everything he holds he puts into his mouth, and he is a very picky eater (to my dismay, but not a shocker, because I was too when I was his age). 

I would finish this entry but apparently the little monster wants a bottle now -- he looks cranky. I better go.

Nicolo Immanuel's First Month

 From an anxious new mom

Our son celebrated his one month two days ago. It has been a month of sleepless nights and sleepy days, of patience being tested, emotions all over the place from postpartum blues, and how a single smile from my little one can alleviate all those bad moments of parenthood. The first month of motherhood has radically transformed the three of us. My husband learned to increase his patience, I learned to not be as selfish as I am, all of that as our little Nicolo is also bombarded with learnings in this new environment outside the womb. In all of that, I learned just how inadequate we are as parents, but God couldn't have mistaken to entrust us to be Nicolo's parents. He simply can't be wrong. This is all part of his great and unfathomable wisdom.

To quote and paraphrase a devotional I read:

The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.  (Psalm 121:8)

Ninth Month Thoughts

This week marks the 9th month of me carrying baby Nicolo in my tumtum, and with that, how faithfully God has carried us as a family all those months.

My mind drifts back to that time at Ecodorm when our bags are already packed for Bohol and like a last minute decision I told Nico I needed to pee. I went to that small bathroom we had in our little boarding house where Nico and I stayed. I wanted to pee before we make that long trip, I thought. And I thought, hey I still have one pregnancy test kit left, I might as well use it. I have done it a couple of times in the past few weeks, mostly out of curiosity, especially after I received our diagnosis of PCOS. We thought it would come out negative, just like it always has. We were not prepared to see what we saw.

Two red lines. Very clear. 

Nico must have took a video of it, I can't recall exactly. What I do vividly recall is us hugging each other and me shedding a tear from emotions unexplained by words. Ambivalence but primarily fear.

Naturally, I was afraid of what will happen in the future. Nico must be, too. 

December 20, 2020. I will never forget that day because the devotional I had that morning was from Matthew 1:23:

"Behold, the virgin will hold in womb, and will bring forth a son, and they will call His name Immanuel" which is, being translated, "God with us."

It's as if God knew that we will find out today that I am with child, that he knew we will be overwhelmed with fear, and that His Presence will address that fear. "God with us" -  Immanuel.

It is only fitting to give the baby that name - Immanuel - to remind us that no matter what happens, God will be with us.

And he has. During the whole 9 months, he has been with us. Those moments when I had to leave for Florida, the trip going to the US, all the pregnancy woes, the moments when I am overwhelmed at work, and the endeavors my husband has to go through: Jesus has been with us through it all.

I can be assured that in my labor and delivery, God will be with us; in Parenthood, God will be with us, in raising Nicolo, in our marriage, in every moment of our lives, God will be with us. He is Immanuel. Jesus will be with us.

Though I am afraid of what's to come, nothing comforts me from the fact that Jesus is with us. I have His word to remind me. And as if that is not enough, Nicolo Immanuel will remind me. 

All of Our Tomorrows

At this time, I am now in my 32nd week of pregnancy with Nicolo. By God's grace, I carried him from the Philippines, to Florida, then to Vermont. And though the Lord has been so faithful to us, the carnal man in me still makes me afraid of the thought of what might tomorrow bring. My husband could attest to that, too, as sometimes when at night before we sleep when we have those sleepy conversations of how our day is etc, we share the shudder of all that is parenthood.

Last May we celebrated Mothers' Day, and yesterday was Fathers' Day. Those days did not mean much to us as it did this year. For it only rubbed the fact that in a few weeks' time, we are going to be Mom and Dad to baby Nicolo.

I laughed at my husband's reaction the other day when I was unpacking the items we bought from Walmart for baby's arrival. He acted terrified and we both laughed while I removed all the tags and have the baby stuff be ready to be laundered. It was a momentous feeling for him too as yesterday, being Fathers' Day, was the day he set up Nicolo's bassinet. He said he shed a tear after doing that, saying it all seems so surreal. Baby clothes, burp cloths, diapers and wipes, teeny tiny mittens, caps and socks, oh, being able to purchase and actually have these baby stuff in our hands, I cannot accurately describe the feeling.

The question that comes to our mind every now and then is, are we even ready to be parents? We have only been husband and wife for 9 months, and in two months' time, we'll be assuming new roles as parents. But surely the Lord's ways are not our ways, his times are best. 

That is why, the title for this entry is borrowed from Sovereign Grace Music's new song, All Of Our Tomorrows. 

"When winter makes us reminisce
Of warmer days so distant now
Of cherished saints the sun once kissed
Whose beauty passed behind the clouds
Let all our fond and longing tears
Remind us we are pilgrims here
We trust You, Sovereign of our years
With all of our tomorrows."

We do not know what tomorrow brings, but we can trust God for all of our Tomorrows.

New Life at Vermont

I would have told you I was writing this in some fancy yet also quaint coffee shop in Cebu City sipping my favorite salted caramel frappucino, but no, I am not. One because I am not in Cebu City anymore, and (2) I am not supposed to drink caffeinated beverages now.

I am writing this entry after months of hiatus, in our humble apartment here on a small city of northeastern part of the United States, called Newport. Not only that,

• I am happily married now to the man whom I call my best friend.
• Three months after the wedding, we have been gifted by God with the news that I am indeed pregnant despite of me being diagnosed with PCOS.
• Four months after the wedding, we both migrated to the United States. I stayed for 6 weeks in Florida for training while he stayed with his aunt at New Jersey.
• Last March 2021, we then moved to Newport, Vermont where we are now working as RNs in different healthcare institutions.

Needless to say, God has been so good to us. The journey was not easy to say the least, you know that. We both waited for more than three years for this. A lot of heartaches in between and some challenges here and there. But it is true that those who wait for the Lord will really see His goodness in the land of the living. 

Though I waited for so long, I realized now why it was so. When I met Nico, it was the resolution of all my fruitless searches. All those years of heartaches and reverberating questions of "why" and "how long" now seemed to make sense. Praise is all I can say for the God who has orchestrated all things beautifully in His time.

2020: Fortune-Tellers Are A Hoax

Boasting About Tomorrow 

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil." (James 4: 13-16)

Hiya folks, whoever is reading this right now. If there is anyone, consider this my warmest hello to you.

It is mind-blowing how a lot (and I mean A LOT) can happen in just a few months. And by a lot I mean: a change in my line of work, a person who I did not expect to mean SO MUCH to me become my boyfriend, all of that under the backdrop of a viral pandemic of a global scale that has sent every country in quarantine for a few months (still is) that might also change the course of life for the human race as we know it. I'll break them down for you in the next bits.

As some of you know, I have now put to rest wearing my all-white hospital uniform and scrub suit for a while as I have ventured into a new line of work that is Conduent. Flashback November of last year, after months of being despondent for how slow the turn-about of my US application and the increasing pressure at work because of the severe understaffing situation at the ICU, I made the heavy decision (and after much prayer), to resign from work. I had no intentions at all to apply for a new job, let alone in the sorts of Conduent. I was blindly optimistic that things would turn out for the better come December of 2019. 

But as with what the verse above tells us, we never know what awaits us in the future. The visa bulletin, instead of keeping up the pace, has retrogressed to almost more than a year. And it has been like so for months on end. I was at the deepest moment of my life then. I thought I could not sink any deeper. But then, my relationship with a distant friend of mine whom I have been talking to all these years has turned sour as the months passed by. When it rains, it pours. Remembering all those things, I cannot imagine where I would be if God has not kept me sane with his steadfast love and mercy. Lamentations 3 has been like my hope-sustainer during those times. God's word has been my anchor through life's greatest storms. The goodness of God being my comfort and assurance that this will all come to pass.

And it did.

Working at the company, God has provided for us bountifully. The Lord has been so gracious to us. I have been able to provide for the needs of my family using the strength and skill that the Lord has given me. With all that he has given, I am careful to give him back every praise and thanks. With the sweet reminder of his word regarding material riches of this world:

"Do not trust in extortion, or take pride in stolen goods

though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them." (Psalm 62:10)

Not only that, God has given me a kind of love that I could only say it is by grace. By grace, because I don't deserve it at all. It came at the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place, and from the most unexpected person. His persistence and perseverance countered my hesitations and reservations. He climbed the walls I put up. He cared for the people I care for. He made it clear that his intentions for me is serious and I admired him for that. God has taught me a lot of things in our friendship-turned-relationship. I came to know about sin and grace, about forgiveness, about what being salt and light meant, about what it means to be a light of the world, and how deep the mercy and grace God has for sinners like me in Christ Jesus. I thought I knew a lot of theology but applying it into practice with another sinner who is also in need of Christ just as much as I do is a whole different thing. I get to practice that everyday with Nico.

As it is, the Philippines is currently on the 4th month of quarantine due to Coronavirus-19 (COVID-19). The world has changed a lot ever since it was declared a pandemic sometime on March 2020. We started working from home. Social distancing. Non-essential businesses closed. We are fined for not wearing a mask and for not bringing quarantine passes when going out. I don't know what this would mean for us on a personal level, like our applications to the states, and the world as a whole. If there is anything the last few months of 2019 and the rest of 2020 has taught me, it is that you can never foretell what the future holds. But praise God, no matter what happens, He is still in control of everything. No matter how the nations are in scramble, God is still in control. The Author of the universe, HE who holds the stars in their place, who sets up rulers and takes them down (Daniel 2:21), sits enthroned on the heavens and laughs and scoffs at those who device plans in vain (Psalm 2:1-4). The Holy God who hates sin and loves righteousness, made a way for us sinners to be reconciled in peace with Him by providing for us His Son as a perfect sacrifice, that those who believe in Him will not perish with this world, but insted have eternal life.

The worldhas always been in its weird state already since the Fall of mankind to sin and it has been a downhill ever since. The year 2020 only made it even stranger. With all that being said, a quote from one of my favorite authors, CS Lewis, who was also the author of Narnia comes to my mind:

"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

Truly, there are far better things waiting for us in Heaven. Christ paid a lofty price for us to be admitted there. It took his own flesh and blood, the Son of God, died a humiliating and excruciating death, on a cross, took our sin upon his shoulders and paid it once and for all. For what? For many reasons but also this: John 14 starting at verse 1:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it weren't so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

 Reader, are we all looking forward to this promise of our savior Jesus? Where are you banking all your hopes in? Remember, this world is perishing, together with it those who reject the salvation from sin that Christ offers. Like what the above texts tell us, we don't know when our time on earth is up. Are we ready to face our Maker? The only way to be ready is to repent (and keep repenting) and put away your trust in your own self-righeousness and place all hope of forgiveness unto His Son as our savior now. 

When The Going Gets Tough

It is often easy to follow God when things are going well, when we don’t really have much to sacrifice, when nothing much is really required of us. But to follow God when all comforts are removed, when there are no visible reassurance, when it takes walking by faith and not by sight — that is the real test of Christian faith and maturity.

How much do you trust God? You have walked with him long enough to know his character. He is flawless, thrice Holy, sovereign, good.

What tests of faith are you being subjected to by the Almighty One today? Is it waiting for a response to your prayer for a spouse, visa, salvation of loved ones, victory over indwelling sin? Take heart, dear saint. He who saved you is faithful to preserve you. Though dark and full of sorrow our path of pilgrimage here in this world, he will accomplish all his purpose in it.

He will never waste a tear, he will never waste a hurt. Remember his past deliverances (Psalm 77). He is a rewarder if those who stand firm till the end. It is certain. He will be glorified in everything and in all his ways. For all his ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30).

Rejoice, soul, rejoice in your God. He is not tyrannical in giving you afflictions of waiting without harvesting something good from it. Stand firm in his steadfast love. His mercies will see you through.  Praises will come out from your lips when once it was dry. Though it seem slow, wait for it. It will surely come.


“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

More Testings, More Grace

Dear Lord,

Father God, you have been so faithful to me, all these years of my life. Lord, I rejoice in your sovereignty, in your faithfulness, in your grace and mercies that follows me every waking day. Though I am a sinner through and through, yet this presses me on to know more about Christ and my deep need for him.

Now Lord, the year is almost over. And yet I rejoice in the truth that a day with you is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day. I can rest upon thy sovereignty and goodness all the days of my life. Like the Shepherd’s Psalm, you will protect me and sustain me until you call me home.

In the midst of the waiting, Lord I have grown so much in grace. You have sanctified me with your hand; you have drawn me nearer to you. The greatest thing I’ve gained isn’t gaining what I was praying for, but in the lessons I gleaned while going through it. You have revealed yourself more to me through your word and that is more than I thought I ever needed.

Thank you Lord for everything. Keep sanctifying me Lord, for your glory. Thank you for everything that I have in Christ.

Though you have chastised us Lord, you are merciful.

“He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever.” –Psalm 103:9

“Then you will say on that day, "I will give thanks to You, O LORD; For although You were angry with me, Your anger is turned away, And You comfort me.” – Isaiah 12:1

“I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me – the breath of man that I have created…” -Isaiah 57:15-16

“I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace, to those far and near,” says the Lord. “And I will heal them.” – Isaiah 57:18