A Silver Lining

Someday, I won't be writing about you anymore.

All these unhealthy feelings that are concealed deep within the crevices of my heart - like spider webs on an abandoned manor - will be dusted off.

I am hopeful.

It may take some time, but then again, time is all that is left of me now.

Come What "May"

May 2012 has officially ended two days ago but it took me that long to sort out whether or not I should write a blog post about it.

As you have noticed (or not), my internet activity has significantly increased in this month more than any other months of the year. This could be justified by an increment in the number of blog entries, tweets, status updates, videos watched and favorited, and reblogs. I need not name the websites associated with the terms I used, do I? Also to add more of that "increase in activity", I have been able to avail those unlimited calls and texts offers my cellular network provides me. Though they cost a little too much for my daily summer allowance, there is a reason why, for the first time in the whole history of me having a cellphone, I've purchased Unlicall + text 25.

I didn't quite expect my month to turn out this way though; I thought it was just another Summer month. But it wasn't. And I'll tell you why.

Well it all started on the first day, May 1. I don't really think I should delve deeper as to what happened this day, but to just give you all nosy people a hint, I welcomed someone in my life. And that's when things started to go topsy-turvy -- too much for a month to handle.

Just a reference, I had summer classes from mid-April to mid-May. The last two weeks of it were all centered on that someone I've met. Well, this isn't a private blog and I think it'd be inappropriate to spill the details but we communicated in all forms of communication, apart from the most convenient one, talking face to face. I guess you get the sitch. (Insert Call Me Maybe tune here).

Long story short, I thought what we had was real (eww gross!) and I imagined all the possibilities that we could have been but it turns out he was a total jerk and I was better off without him. I realized a lot of things, but some in a painful way.

I have come to the conclusion that you should not settle for anything less than what you deserve. If you think you deserve to be respected, then don't settle for someone who doesn't give you that.

To quote my favorite movie, (500) Days of Summer, "the best way to get over a guy is to turn him into literature". Considering the fact that what we had was just a meager summer fling, I would just turn him into a blog entry. El oh el.

Meanwhile, on the other side of my life, my immune system has been battling recurrent otitis media brought about by sore throat and colds. I get bouts of fever every once in a while but they're not that high. Being a nursing student can be hard sometimes; you can get paranoid on almost anything that's going wrong in your systems. There was one night when my ears ached so hard my head ached too (I couldn't tell which is worse), I was thinking that my 8th cranial nerve was already infected by the bacteria, then I was starting to feel dizzy and I was too scared to sleep and so I just cried and cried until my nose went all congested I had to change position..next thing I knew it was already morning. Kuh-razy!

I decided to put Come What "May" as a title because it ends the month on a positive note. Deep inside, way past the bitterness of my heart and saltiness of my phlegm (ew!), I am optimistic that things will turn out for the better.

Like She Had Been All Her Life

She's been listening to the rock songs again,
Like she had been all her life.

Every beat the drums made
Every string the guitars strummed
Every loud chorus she had heard
Solace, sweet solace, was what she found.

She drowned herself
on the depths of her thoughts
on the musical notes
made perceivable by the senses
through a piece of technology
that comes with a plug in the ears
probably, to make sure no sound from the outside world
would come seeping.
And hurt her again.

The good part about rock music
was that it was noise
but it made justice to how people
would define noise
as if it is an unwelcome visitor.

The noise was comforting
because it made more sense;
it made more sense than all those words
spoken and sang by lovers
confounded by the promises of love
as if it is this enchanted feeling
when it is the complete opposite.

She felt numb, devoid of any feeling.
And that was all she needed.
The numbness, the noise,
the bitterness of a truth.

The truth that she was alone.
Like she had been all her life.

The title is not as nonsensical and naive as the entry itself

"I'm better off without anybody."


But the painful truth is that none of the above statement is true.

You want the truth? Here's the truth:

I'm dying to feel something that makes me feel alive, in a romantic sense, that is.
I want to be found.
I want that feeling that you belong to someone, and that someone belongs to you.
That feeling when someone will look for your face in a sea of people, and smile at it when you're in sight.
I want to be the recipient of love letters/notes written on fancy scented papers/post-its.
I want to experience the feeling of receiving a single flower picked from their Mum's garden, instead of a pricey bouquet from commercialized flower shops. (But I don't really care whichever, L0L)
Most especially, I want to hear mixtapes of songs that remind me of Us, complete with hand-drawn scribbles/doodles on the cover.
I want someone to dedicate a love song or a quote from a book, just because they want to share the happiness they get whenever they come across those things.
I want someone to hold my hand.
I want the security that someone out there love you, whether you know him already and just not have realized it, or your paths will soon cross someday.

^
The above is just an example of how to sophisticate, sugarcoat, and euphemize the statement: "I want a boyfriend".