Ninth Month Thoughts

This week marks the 9th month of me carrying baby Nicolo in my tumtum, and with that, how faithfully God has carried us as a family all those months.

My mind drifts back to that time at Ecodorm when our bags are already packed for Bohol and like a last minute decision I told Nico I needed to pee. I went to that small bathroom we had in our little boarding house where Nico and I stayed. I wanted to pee before we make that long trip, I thought. And I thought, hey I still have one pregnancy test kit left, I might as well use it. I have done it a couple of times in the past few weeks, mostly out of curiosity, especially after I received our diagnosis of PCOS. We thought it would come out negative, just like it always has. We were not prepared to see what we saw.

Two red lines. Very clear. 

Nico must have took a video of it, I can't recall exactly. What I do vividly recall is us hugging each other and me shedding a tear from emotions unexplained by words. Ambivalence but primarily fear.

Naturally, I was afraid of what will happen in the future. Nico must be, too. 

December 20, 2020. I will never forget that day because the devotional I had that morning was from Matthew 1:23:

"Behold, the virgin will hold in womb, and will bring forth a son, and they will call His name Immanuel" which is, being translated, "God with us."

It's as if God knew that we will find out today that I am with child, that he knew we will be overwhelmed with fear, and that His Presence will address that fear. "God with us" -  Immanuel.

It is only fitting to give the baby that name - Immanuel - to remind us that no matter what happens, God will be with us.

And he has. During the whole 9 months, he has been with us. Those moments when I had to leave for Florida, the trip going to the US, all the pregnancy woes, the moments when I am overwhelmed at work, and the endeavors my husband has to go through: Jesus has been with us through it all.

I can be assured that in my labor and delivery, God will be with us; in Parenthood, God will be with us, in raising Nicolo, in our marriage, in every moment of our lives, God will be with us. He is Immanuel. Jesus will be with us.

Though I am afraid of what's to come, nothing comforts me from the fact that Jesus is with us. I have His word to remind me. And as if that is not enough, Nicolo Immanuel will remind me. 

Lord, as of now I'm still waiting for CVGH's call which they say might come on the first week of October. I am unsure of this Lord. Lord, you know that I want to work at Sotto, come December. For reasons like: it compensates well, and that I can learn more there, and I can serve people that really are in need. But if you think my reasons are not for good, and you think they root from something other than what I can identify, please help me to let it go trusting that Your plans and will is greater. I want to obey you Lord. For you know better than I. In fact, you know best.

"A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." -Proverbs 21:2

I thank you also Father God that you are Sovereign in all things (even in those prayers that I fervently ask of), as you have said in your word:

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21 

'Is God really in control? The concept of the control of God over everything is called the “sovereignty” of God. Nothing gives us strength and confidence like an understanding of the sovereignty of God in our lives. God’s sovereignty is defined as His complete and total independent control over every creature, event, and circumstance at every moment in history. Subject to none, influenced by none, absolutely independent, God does what He pleases, only as He pleases, always as He pleases. God is in complete control of every molecule in the universe at every moment, and everything that happens is either caused or allowed by Him for His own perfect purposes.' Read more.

I See Scribbles

Ambut uy. Libug pajud kaayo tanan. Murag akong life karon kay series of dots pajud. Murag everything is in a standstill while the people around me are in motion. Murag undefined pa kaayo tanan. Uncertain. Everything is scrambled. Like all this time I was unconsciously building for that* but everything fell apart and crumbled down and I'm just here in all the ruins and the aftermath of it all. Not knowing what and where to start. 

Lord, mao na siguro ni ang giingon nga All I Have Is Christ. You took everything away from me. All your answers was either a "No", or "Just Wait". The thing that I most fervently prayed for was YOUR WILL. And I believe that this is what's happening to me right now. 
But why does it hurt this much? 

Arrogant ra kaayo ko ug proud ug no reverence nga maka-pangutana nimo ana Lord but, you know my heart. Forgive me. Sakit lang jud. 

Pero despite ani tanan Lord. I am putting my trust in You. 
Walang wala najud ko ron Lord. I lift my empty hands. Come fill me up again. Have Your way in Me. I was blind but now I see. My tears, although they come in unexpected times of the day, have continued to clean my eyes to help me focus on YOU. You have took everything that I cling to that would take me away from you. You have "reformatted" my life. Pruned me. Rebuked me. All because You loved me so much.

Now, I will praise Your name Hallelujah. I will lift your Name on high. All I have is Christ. Though you may not calm the storms around me, I will find my rest in you. My wretched soul will continue to Praise you in this storm. And I will still declare and claim Jeremiah 29:11. Because You are not done with me yet. Your faithfulness does not depend on my situation. And whatever you have started with me, you will be faithful to complete it. 

I will be your people. And You shall always be my God.