Ninth Month Thoughts

This week marks the 9th month of me carrying baby Nicolo in my tumtum, and with that, how faithfully God has carried us as a family all those months.

My mind drifts back to that time at Ecodorm when our bags are already packed for Bohol and like a last minute decision I told Nico I needed to pee. I went to that small bathroom we had in our little boarding house where Nico and I stayed. I wanted to pee before we make that long trip, I thought. And I thought, hey I still have one pregnancy test kit left, I might as well use it. I have done it a couple of times in the past few weeks, mostly out of curiosity, especially after I received our diagnosis of PCOS. We thought it would come out negative, just like it always has. We were not prepared to see what we saw.

Two red lines. Very clear. 

Nico must have took a video of it, I can't recall exactly. What I do vividly recall is us hugging each other and me shedding a tear from emotions unexplained by words. Ambivalence but primarily fear.

Naturally, I was afraid of what will happen in the future. Nico must be, too. 

December 20, 2020. I will never forget that day because the devotional I had that morning was from Matthew 1:23:

"Behold, the virgin will hold in womb, and will bring forth a son, and they will call His name Immanuel" which is, being translated, "God with us."

It's as if God knew that we will find out today that I am with child, that he knew we will be overwhelmed with fear, and that His Presence will address that fear. "God with us" -  Immanuel.

It is only fitting to give the baby that name - Immanuel - to remind us that no matter what happens, God will be with us.

And he has. During the whole 9 months, he has been with us. Those moments when I had to leave for Florida, the trip going to the US, all the pregnancy woes, the moments when I am overwhelmed at work, and the endeavors my husband has to go through: Jesus has been with us through it all.

I can be assured that in my labor and delivery, God will be with us; in Parenthood, God will be with us, in raising Nicolo, in our marriage, in every moment of our lives, God will be with us. He is Immanuel. Jesus will be with us.

Though I am afraid of what's to come, nothing comforts me from the fact that Jesus is with us. I have His word to remind me. And as if that is not enough, Nicolo Immanuel will remind me. 

Christ in the Old Testament

After going through months of gloom and despondency, the Lord has graciously lifted my spirits up with news regarding my application to the United States. More than that, he has answered prayers in regards to my devotionals on the Old Testament (OT).

I am now in the last book of the Pentateuch, Deuteronomy. From Genesis up to here, I can only thank God on how he opened my eyes to give me a glimpse and better understanding of his character. Psalm 9:10 says that those who know God's name will trust in him, for he has never forsaken those who seek him. It is indeed fundamental and vital for a Christian's to walk in maturity to know who God is. The more we know about God, the more we gain insight into our total depravity as sinful and undeserving men, in contrast to a holy and merciful God.

When the Lord impressed upon me to do another cover to cover read on Old and New Testament (NT), I recall praying that he let me see Christ in each word, each verse, each story starting from Adam to Moses (as I am currently in Deuteronomy). To live and breathe and feed in the Scriptures was what I was after in starting this journey to read the bible from cover to cover again. It will do me no harm, and nothing is worth more my time and effort than to spend it re-reading God's Word over and over again till he calls me home.

True enough he has been gracious in answering that prayer to see Christ clearly. I can see Christ in parallel to the events that have been written in the Old Testament. Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son, Isaac mirrors that of God the Son and God the Father. The Israelites's rebellion and stubbornness after the LORD has mightily delivered them from the bondage of Egypt towards the Promised Land speaks of our hearts towards God today. The circumcision of flesh that was decreed in the OT in parallel to the circumcision of the heart in the NT. The whole OT is indeed a preparation, a sort of reflection, of God's overall redemptive plan to save his elect through Jesus Christ.
Salvation from God's wrath and justice is all by grace (meaning, you cannot work for it lest ye boast before God of your merits to attain such a great thing), through faith (that whosoever 'believes' = have faith in him, will not perish but have everlasting life) in Christ Jesus.

What greater thing God has given us than in giving us His only Son as a perfect atonement for our sins? Left alone to ourselves sinning our way to hell, and he would not be loving. But then again, simply forgiving us who are trespassers of his holiness without any sacrifice or payment of fines would make him an unjust God.

And I tell you, you will want that God be a Just God. Why?

Imagine if your loved one was brutally murdered. Naturally, you file a case against the murderer and that murderer is now on trial on the court for his crime. In the court room, Although the murderer is surely guilty of the crime, he now tries to plead his case to the judge and say, "Oh judge, forgive me for my crime. I know killing another person is wrong but please forgive me for I will not do it again!". Then the judge acquits the criminal because of this plea. Now, what would you think of that judge? You would say he is corrupt, he is unjust, you would plead that he be removed from office! You would cry out Justice must be served!

We have sinned against God and his laws in a similar way that we have murdered another being. All sin against him is a trespass against his holiness, against his perfect morality. We are, in the sense, that murderer standing before the judge on the trial court. Someone must pay the price of the committed crime. And indeed Someone had! Jesus Christ on the cross! He paid the high and lofty price we could only spend eternity in hell paying for if we try to pay it our selves.

There is a popular saying that goes around these days and it says: God will make a way.

I say, oh Yes! He did make a Way.

God made a Way, in fact, the Only Way (John 14) for us to be reconciled to him...and it is through His Son, Jesus Christ.

When Jesus died on the cross He bore our sin for us and nailed it to the cross. So that God the Father, who is thrice holy, almighty, all powerful, all encompassing, can administer his Justice against sin (because we have sinned against him) and he poured out every ounce of Justice and wrath against sin IN CHRIST when He died on the cross. It is paid in full! God is Love, and God is Just, and God is Holy. These are all satisfied in the Cross.

Now, like the Roman jailer who was guarding the Apostle Paul and Silas in prison trembled and asked, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"

Their reply was "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved - you and your household."

Without Christ's perfect sacrifice on the cross, all that's left for us would be a fearful Judgment of a Just God in the end.

Praise be to God for Jesus Christ.

Romans 15:4 says,  

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."

Surely, our hope is found and cannot be undermined when we remember what Christ has saved us From, and what Christ has saved us For.

Mountain Highs Only? No! But Also In Valley Lows

I cannot deny it. There is nothing I could hide from the Lord. I am still feeling what David must have felt when he talked about being in the slimy pit, the mud and mire, of which God had rescued him from. I am still in that often inexplicable pit of despair and despondency.

Despite of this, the Lord has never failed to aid me with his promises in his Word. He uses countless resources to reach me, such as Desiring God Facebook page, just to remind me of his promises. Coincidentally, I am now in chapter 3 of Numbers in my Old Testament series and it speaks volumes to me.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfil? (...) The LORD their God is with them, the shout of the King is among them. God brought them out of Egypt, they have the strength of a wild ox. There is no sorcery against Jacob, no divination against Israel; It will not be said of Jacob and of Israel, 'See what God has done!'."

(Numbers 3:19-23)

I am composing this entry to tell you, and myself, that God is still God even if you're feeling down and out from this earthly journey. God is still God, he is still sovereign over our every emotion that the enemy could use to lie to us and distort who God really is. In the valleys of our Christian walk, look to him, make his promises your stepping stones, continue to press on to know him most especially in times like this, they are making in us Faith - a thing much even more precious to God than fine Gold. Do not despise these moments. If tears be shed, and muscles be wasted from physical and emotional weakness, rejoice that your soul is well secured by Someone much stronger than you. Hope in him. He is greater than every thing you thought would give you joy. HE makes it by default that HE is our greatest Joy, and that is for our benefit and his glory, because HE will never leave us when all else does. HE will never forsake us when all else does.

When God allows us to be tested in the valley, he will provide us with Strength from the Holy Spirit, the same strength of Christ when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane, to drink this bitter cup so we can first handedly say that we have Tasted and Seen that the Lord is Good. Keep pressing on. Humble yourself at his feet. He is faithful.

God is God in the mountain highs AND of the valley lows. He is so transcendent, the earth is his, there is no state of a person washed and redeemed by Christ that is not loved and known by the Father. For "even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." May these promises in Psalm 139 give us comfort in the valleys of our lives.

 

A Tribute to my Lolo

What a month this has been.

God has once again showed another side of Him. Of all the traits of God, His Sovereignty has always been the one that interests me the most. I recognize and submit to His will, and I humble myself that He is always in control of all the events in my life.

Now, he has put that to the test through the death of my loving grandfather. Lolo Jesus has been like a father to me, closer than my real father ever was - if I might say. I grew up with him, in his house, and he was the one who reared me. Being the eldest grandchild of his eldest daughter, little Ayiin was like the apple of his eye. When my family recollects lolo's life, they say that lolo was lucky in the lottery when I was born. He would frequently win with every bet, some would even reach to 5-digit wins. So I grew up with all the "luho". Almost everyday we would go to SM and eat at Ding Qua Qua, I remember that was his favorite restaurant - which eventually gave me the taste for chinese food. Growing up, I was blessed with all the love and sometimes too much love showered to me by my family, most especially my lolo.

Remarkably also, he suffered a stroke which paralyzed half of his body just two years after I was born. But that did not stop him from taking care of me and giving me all that I need. Our neighbors would even recall to me how my lolo would carry me very early in the morning so I could get the sun I need. Then when I was learning to walk, he would walk me around our village, stopping by to pick wild flowers in vacant lots, while playing with the goats that are feeding on them.

When my grandfather was paralyzed, and had to be hospitalized every now and then, I was always there to watch over him whenever my lola or mama had to be away to buy medicine. And when I was old enough, I would be the one to buy his meds or other things that he needed. I distinctly remember, whenever the nurse would take his blood sugar, he would always tell me to climb up his bed and observe how the nurse does it. It was his dream for me to become a nurse just like my uncles and aunt. And ever since I was little, I never dreamed of another thing.

He inspired me to do good at school, to always excel and do my best. Being a lawyer, his love for good grammar, dictionaries, and well-written prose has been passed on to me. My other grandfather of the father side, Lolo Gabriel, was a huge bookworm. He would lend me volumes and volumes of Readers' Digest Condensed Books, while my Lolo Jesus taught me to underline words that I do not yet know. He was a walking dictionary, as my lola would say. He would read books with a dictionary in his side. My earnest request for my lolo Jesus was that he would be able to attend my high school and college graduation. And indeed, he was. He even attended my Capping and Badging Ceremony. I thank the Lord God that I shared those moments with him.

June 7, 2015 at 5:17PM, the Sovereign God Almighty has taken my Lolo Jesus into His loving arms. I was on the 7AM-3PM shift, and heading to the hospital near our town was like the longest and most painful ride for me. My soul was like teared to pieces, praying so hard to God that I would just reach in time for my lolo to be still alive. But God has another plans, and I still submit to that.

While waiting for the funeral parlor to fetch my lolo, I remember crying till no tears were able to fall down from my eyes. During those times I remember asking the Lord the classic question where most hurt hearts would absentmindedly ask, "Why, Lord?". The hurt has blinded me so much to see the greater picture. Sometimes even now, when I dwell on the loss and pain my lolo caused when he left, I would again ask the Lord why. But the Lord is so amazing. Everything that happened to me is all for His greater glory and I am thankful that that is His will.

Because of this life changing event, God has taught me that He IS:
Almighty, Sovereign, Lord over All, Comforter of the weak and weary, His Word is perfect, and is a great comfort. His wisdom is greater than mine. His strength is perfect for my weakness. And that He is still a God whom I can rely on, trust on, put my faith on, and through JESUS CHRIST who has been the perfect atonement, and how John 3:16 has been one of the greatest verses that came to life when my grandfather died, and how God is over, above and beyond everything - even in LIFE itself. He has conquered Death, and He has given us the life that is truly life! All to His Greater Glory!

Lord, as of now I'm still waiting for CVGH's call which they say might come on the first week of October. I am unsure of this Lord. Lord, you know that I want to work at Sotto, come December. For reasons like: it compensates well, and that I can learn more there, and I can serve people that really are in need. But if you think my reasons are not for good, and you think they root from something other than what I can identify, please help me to let it go trusting that Your plans and will is greater. I want to obey you Lord. For you know better than I. In fact, you know best.

"A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." -Proverbs 21:2

I thank you also Father God that you are Sovereign in all things (even in those prayers that I fervently ask of), as you have said in your word:

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21 

'Is God really in control? The concept of the control of God over everything is called the “sovereignty” of God. Nothing gives us strength and confidence like an understanding of the sovereignty of God in our lives. God’s sovereignty is defined as His complete and total independent control over every creature, event, and circumstance at every moment in history. Subject to none, influenced by none, absolutely independent, God does what He pleases, only as He pleases, always as He pleases. God is in complete control of every molecule in the universe at every moment, and everything that happens is either caused or allowed by Him for His own perfect purposes.' Read more.

Lord, I just received the reply of my uncle and auntie. Regarding the NCLEX and that Dream 51, I'm still unsure about everything - where to start, where to go from where I am now, etc. But I am sure You have this all figured out Lord, because you are the Alpha and Omega, you hold my Time in your hands. And I will just wait till you press on me your answers. Thank you for the peace that you give me, knowing that even if my situation seems blurry, it doesn't nullify your promises and what you can do for my life. For now please supply me the strength and wisdom as I trust to wait on You.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." -Jeremiah 29:11, KJV

Proverbs 16:1-3 - Plans (The Village Church Tapescript)

1. Who do your plans belong to? Okay, verse 1. Who do our plans belong to? Let's read it again. "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord." Okay, so there are two answers to this question. It's not a trick question. There are your plans, and there are his plans. Okay? They are legitimately your plans.

These are plans. This word means preparation. This doesn't mean impulses. This isn't you driving down Forest Lane. You see the Whataburger. Before you know it, you're in front of the drive-thru order, going, "What am I doing here? Can I get a number five with a Dr. Pepper?" We're not talking impulses; we're talking plans. This is preparation. This word would be used in making an altar and bringing the wood around the altar, strategically, meticulously laying it.

It would be used of an army being prepared for battle in their battle array. These are plans. They're thought out. It doesn't get deeper than our hearts. It says this is the plan of your heart. Your heart constitutionally is a very basic identity word. It's what you're determined to have, what you're motivated to have more than anything else. These are your plans.

Then you notice to whom the plans belong. They belong to the Lord. When you see Lord, when you see that word capital L-O-R-D, that's not just a lord. That's Yahweh. That's his personal name. That's the same word that's used in Genesis in the creation story. We're saying here that the God who hung Orion's Belt has intimately claimed a stake in the details of your life. He has very much involved himself into the minutia of your life.

In fact, I would go so far to say he is proud of that. What makes the Hebrew story of creation so distinct is that, unlike every other god, whoever allegedly formed the world, Yahweh Elohim is the God who takes pride in getting his hands dirty and being in the details. He has claimed an intimate stake in the details of your life because your plans, the answer ultimately comes from him.

Honestly, 30-plus years later, I have seen some of my plans fulfilled. I've seen some of them have died. They're not going to happen. I'm still waiting on some. I know that's your story too. You're waiting on your plans. You're living some. You're seeing old ones die. You're seeing new ones form. I think a really good question for us is…

2. What does God see in your plans? What does he see in our plans? Well, I'd say two things. He sees underneath your plans, and then he sees beyond your plans. Let's read verse 2. It says, "All the ways of a man are pure [clear] in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit."

It says we're the most affirmed generation in history. We expect rapid advancement. We're not looking for the job that just pays the bills but an expression of our identity. It's not that we're confident. We're over-confident. We're cocky. However much of this is true (some of it is), this is what I know. Our "millennialness" exacerbates, it emphasizes, the fact that we think we can have what we want to have.

The Bible says God is actually looking underneath our plans. He gives us these desires, and he gives us this kind of creative energy to shape the way we want things to look. Yet he is weighing our spirit. That word spirit means frame of mind. You know, God is thinking about the things we think about. He is weighing our spirits. He is asking these questions. He is saying, "Why do you want that? Why do you need that? Why is that important for you?"

This is a personal conversation. He is a Father. That's what he does. He asks really good, heart-level questions. He is asking the questions underneath the questions. He is thinking about the things we think about. When you think about me, especially if I just kind of offer myself out here, I see giving God my plans is one thing.

Usually that works really well when I'm praying my plans into existence. I have two hands up in the air. I'm like, "God, give me this. Let me see this." I'll tell you. I'm in the danger zone as soon as one hand is down and one hand is up. It's a different story when I'm going, "I have to have this. This has to happen." If I could give you a microcosm of this, it's me in traffic. I keep going back to these traffic analogies, but just bear with me.

We all know. Christians know there are legitimately… God has ordained for us legitimate seasons where we will wait, where we will be confused, where wewill be annoyed. Yet instead of dealing with the traffic, I have to manufacture something into existence. I have to manipulate my circumstances to make something happen.

Guys, y'all are doing this too. Things aren't working out the way you want them to work out, and so you're trying to make things happen. Because what you want your relationship, what your relationship prospects were hopefully going to look like by this age haven't happened yet, you're finding yourself out at bars at stupid times at night with the wrong people.

Or your career plan hasn't happened the way you want it to, so you find yourself just kissing up to your boss. You're just working stupid hours because you want your boss to give you that promotion. Or financially you're not where you want to be, where you thought you'd be 10 years ago, so you're just getting into stupid debt because your plans told you that you should have more. We struggle with this. This is legitimately a struggle in our culture.

Sometimes I think the most encouraging thing we could hear is, first, God is not going to let us know in this and then, secondly, he is actually looking underneath our plans. What do I mean by that? I mean this. If you look into your future and you see that thing you think you need, what you're likely going to do is you're going to identify some shame in your life now.


If you're looking for that relationship into the future that hasn't happened yet, what that will actually do is that will be a signpost backwards to say, "I have shame in my life that the Lord hasn't given me the things I've been asking him to give me." If you want to know what those things are, those things you're looking way out into the future to try to figure out…

I'm sorry. Let me say that differently. You're looking way out into the future to try to figure out what those things are that will bring you some kind of affirmation, that will give some kind of meaning to your life. You're actually identifying idols you need to put to death.

Jimmy Needham is a local guy. I just love this song. I think he gives us a helpful way for us to think about what those things are. He says, "Anything that I put before my God, anything that I want with all my heart, anything that I can't stop thinking about, anything that I give all of my love…" These are the things you're looking way out into the future, and you're going, "God, I have to have this! I told you I wanted this, and you haven't given it to me yet. I'm going to make it happen."

You're manufacturing your plans, and God is not condemning you. He is not judging you. He is taking a scalpel to your heart. He is going, "Look at how unbalanced and unhealthy that is that you need those things now when I, the sovereign God who takes pride in the very details of your life, just haven't given you those things yet."

Some of y'all legitimately have no clue that when the psalms talk about God being your strength and your shield… Everybody wants him to be their strength. Everybody wants him to be the kind of power and strength and confidence they need to step into today, but I don't think we've scratched the surface of understanding what it means that he is our shield.

He is legitimately protecting us from thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of scenarios that would kill us if we stepped into those things. He is way underneath our plans, but he is also way ahead. Because he is God, he has the privilege and the pleasure of looking into the future and being able to read those things into your life now. He knows!

Part of the reason why our plans aren't coming through is he is protecting us. He is shielding us from things he doesn't want to happen to us. He is underneath, and he is way out ahead. He is looking deep into your heart and way into your future.

3. What are we to do with our plans? I think probably the biggest question we should answer now at this point is what we are to do with our plans. I think verse 3 will help us there, so let's read that. What do we do with our plans? Are you ready for this? It says, "Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established." That's kind of a trick question. What are we supposed to do with our plans? That's flip-flopped, right?

The Bible doesn't say, "Commit your plans to the Lord, and your works will be established." He says, "Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established." It's the best possible outcome for us that he would flip-flop that. The word commit means literally to roll over, to lay on top of, to put your full weight onto something. God is saying if you lay all of yourself, if you commit the full weight of your life to the trust and to the service of Yahweh, your plans will be established.

I mean, that means you would say even today, "Whatever you ask of me, whatever you send to me, whatever you're calling me to do, even if I don't understand that thing, the answer is yes." You're abandoning yourself over to him. Some of you may go, "Well, that sounds really fatalistic, like I'm just lying down, and he is deciding everything." No, they're still your plans. I think Jeremiah can help us with this.

Jeremiah is this Old Testament prophet. He is asked to minister to people who don't want to listen. He is told, "You're going to have to wait a long time, and you're going to see very little fruit." His conversations with God are just epic. I mean, he is emotional. He cries. He complains. He is like, "Help me! God, what are you doing? I don't understand. I don't have the chops for this. Help me figure out what you're doing!"

Talk to him! Have a good, healthy back-and-forth dialogue with him. Talk to him. Bring the desires of your heart to the Lord. You're saying, "This isn't happening. Let me see this." He is a good Father. Watch him shape those desires while it's happening. Commit your life to him while you're doing it. This is the great invitation. You're saying, "I don't understand you, but I trust you." You get to bring your plans before the Lord, and you get to talk.

Talk to him! Have a good, healthy back-and-forth dialogue with him. Talk to him. Bring the desires of your heart to the Lord. You're saying, "This isn't happening. Let me see this." He is a good Father. Watch him shape those desires while it's happening. Commit your life to him while you're doing it. This is the great invitation. You're saying, "I don't understand you, but I trust you." You get to bring your plans before the Lord, and you get to talk.

I learned something in the crucifixion story in Matthew that I had never seen before. I say this in closing. You have Jesus hanging on a cross. He has been crucified. You have Israel's elite. You have the chief priests. You have the scribes. You have the elders. They're sitting there, and they're mocking Jesus while he is dying. They're telling him, "You saved others. You can't save yourself. You say you trust God. Let God deliver you. You're the king. Come down off the cross, and we'll believe."

Their understanding of what a messiah would be was completely different from what the Messiah actually was. They were the ruling class. They had the most to gain. What they're saying is, "You need to go back there. You need to sack Rome. You need to run Rome out. You need to restore Israel to her glory days, the days when the proverbs were written." Basically they're saying, "Give us our plans. Give us better circumstances. Give us the life we wanted."

They had so much to gain in that prayer. Jesus listens to that appeal. In the most loving act in human history, he stays. He stays for them. The most loving act of human history. He sees it through. He purchases for them the best possible thing he could give them, and he doesn't answer their prayers. But he gives them the best possible gift he could give them. That is his life, forgiveness of sin, and nearness and reconciliation back to God.

When they were trying to pull him off the cross to get the things they thought they had to have, he stayed up there. He is listening to them tell him what they think they need. He is giving them what they have to have: his life. His life! What does this mean for us? It means God cares so much about the details of our lives that he will give everything and withhold everything that is necessary to conform us into the life of Jesus.

Yet the gospel says we are free to ask anything we want, assuming you want God to decide if it's good for you or not. It means the offer for him to take control is available for anyone who is coming to realize even this morning how hollow their plans really are. It gives us really good perspective. It gives us really good perspective!

To be a Christian is to say, "You gave yourself totally for me to make me pure, to forgive me of my sins, and for us to be together. Do not let anything come in my way. I couldn't even possibly be satisfied in getting every little dream of my heart if you're not in it. Don't give me something I think I want that's going to kill me. Don't do that!"

To be a Christian is to pray those prayers often. You know, Keller says it so well. God doesn't promise us better circumstances. He promises us a better life, he promises a new heart, that will transform even the most difficult of circumstances into good, even the most difficult seasons of waiting into good. There's no chance that you're going to avoid suffering, so stop trying to step away from it. You're going to step into suffering. I'm not saying to look for it, but when it comes, you're going to have to step into it.

The promise of a newly created heart is that God is going to transform that suffering into a grace and conform you into the life of his Son all the while. What do we do with our plans? Well, we trust this. We trust the gospel, and we get to keep asking and asking and asking because he is a good Father who loves to give good gifts. He loves to give good gifts. Commit your life to Jesus today. Put your full trust in his trustworthiness. The Bible says as a result of that (and this is really cool), your plans, everything he intends for your life, will be established.


Amen and Amen.

I See Scribbles

Ambut uy. Libug pajud kaayo tanan. Murag akong life karon kay series of dots pajud. Murag everything is in a standstill while the people around me are in motion. Murag undefined pa kaayo tanan. Uncertain. Everything is scrambled. Like all this time I was unconsciously building for that* but everything fell apart and crumbled down and I'm just here in all the ruins and the aftermath of it all. Not knowing what and where to start. 

Lord, mao na siguro ni ang giingon nga All I Have Is Christ. You took everything away from me. All your answers was either a "No", or "Just Wait". The thing that I most fervently prayed for was YOUR WILL. And I believe that this is what's happening to me right now. 
But why does it hurt this much? 

Arrogant ra kaayo ko ug proud ug no reverence nga maka-pangutana nimo ana Lord but, you know my heart. Forgive me. Sakit lang jud. 

Pero despite ani tanan Lord. I am putting my trust in You. 
Walang wala najud ko ron Lord. I lift my empty hands. Come fill me up again. Have Your way in Me. I was blind but now I see. My tears, although they come in unexpected times of the day, have continued to clean my eyes to help me focus on YOU. You have took everything that I cling to that would take me away from you. You have "reformatted" my life. Pruned me. Rebuked me. All because You loved me so much.

Now, I will praise Your name Hallelujah. I will lift your Name on high. All I have is Christ. Though you may not calm the storms around me, I will find my rest in you. My wretched soul will continue to Praise you in this storm. And I will still declare and claim Jeremiah 29:11. Because You are not done with me yet. Your faithfulness does not depend on my situation. And whatever you have started with me, you will be faithful to complete it. 

I will be your people. And You shall always be my God.

Awhile

I quote David Levithan's Lovers Dictionary:

“awhile, adv.

I love the vagueness of words that involve time. 'It took him awhile to come back' -- it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.
It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instance that made me feel, oh, this could be right, But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that.
Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there's no signal event. There's just the steady accumulation of 'awhile'.”

It has been a long time since I've last posted something here - about a year ago. And a lot has happened. A lot has changed. I want to tell you of it all but with the given limitations of my situation - a ticking internet cafe timer, and a memory that of a goldfish, I cannot narrate it in details. Good thing, there are bullets! 

(Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Since August 2013...)

• I became a Christian.
• I finished Research 2. Major Revision paper, Major Revision life (with results worthy of Distinction, all praises and honor be to Christ).
• Recognition 2014: Best in RLE for Fourth Year, and Excellence in Deportment Awardee (praise God).
• My Uncle Choy and Lola Merced arrived from States for my graduation, and Jelo's and Fran's as well.
• I graduated college.(Finally.)
• I reviewed at Powerhouse and had this year's best 2 months, ever! :D
• I woke up with a blurry vision, floaters, and seeing "cobwebs". Then I got diagnosed as having Central Retinal Vein occlusion and Glaucoma OU, by an ophthalmologist who would make you second guess his profession judging by his "clinic" at Cebu Doc. Then, for the first time in forever and hope it doesn't happen again, I got 'operated' using LASER, and is maintained by Timolol drops for...well, for ever. (Which God used for me to realize that I should live by FAITH and not by Sight, which is quite clever using it in its literal form, but is really fine if that's what He wills :)
• I took the NLE last May 25-26. 
• I realized  I would get bored from a one week vacation - which led me to the next bullet.
• I applied to different call centers, and was denied by the same call centers.
• I applied to ESL at CPILS. Got hired. Now undergoing training. And was promised to start teaching next week. (Ambivalence).
• I learned how hard it is to apply for something completely out of your field!
• During application days for call centers and ESL, my eyes were becoming sensitive to nurses and their white uniforms. Like I could spot them in a 10-mile radius, or just stare at them walking by and thinking to myself..."wow, my dream uniform, right there.."
• Ransacked my closet, and my cousins' as well, to look for dresses...et voila, our "dress" code for teaching. (</3)
• Knew the difference between "cabinet" and "closet", "I don't mind" and "I don't care", even "table" from a "desk". (Like seriously, who would have thought it would be so hard to tell the difference between them...but again, seriously, ask yourself and then tell me it's not hard.)
• Feeling the feeling of being a student once again, but this time, majoring in English.
• Did something really stupid. But then learned from it. I hope this time, for good.
• And now? I'm still waiting for the results, which was said to be released before this month ends.

It's amazing how a year could change a person so much. But I came to know it's not the time, nor the situation, nor the people in your life that changes you. God does. God just uses them as His instruments to make you become more like His Son, Jesus Christ. And as for me, I cannot thank my God for changing me. Even if it means through disappointments, rejections, heartaches, pain, illnesses, and waiting in Faith. 

2 Corinthians 5:17"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ. He is a new creation! The old has gone, the new has come."

ID: Lost and Found

It was on a Sunday when I found out that my Identification Card, or more shortly called as ID, was not on it's green ID card holder with a sling provided by my school. My initial reaction was shock, of course. I knew how tedious it is when a school property, such as a library card or an ID, would be lost. You'd have to  file an affidavit of loss to an attorney, you'd have to provide a new picture, and the list just goes on and on. I know these stuff because I've experienced accompanying my friends to go through this "legalization" stage of declaring a loss. And in most cases, it isn't just the ID that was lost on the process, along with those would be your time (for studying, perhaps) or a considerable sum of money (for booksales, perhaps).

Anyhow, the difference this time was that, it was my ID that was missing. Most people who know me would probably say I am a sentimental person. And that includes being sentimental to, well, material things. On the back portion of our school ID, it had these series of boxes that corresponds to the Semester and School Year. Every semestral enrollment, we would let the librarians sign the respective box. That would indicate you've been officially enrolled in that semester. I recalled how I made those simple boxes as motivations to really pursue it till the last box. And with every box that got signed in red ink, so does my sentimental value to that ID card - especially now that I am down to my one last box.

But again, on that very morning of a Sunday, it was like I lost a precious thing to me. I thought I was cursed -  with losing ID cards, that is. I lost my ID card back when I was at my last year in high school...the same incident that happened! Tell me I'm not cursed.

But that is not the reason why I composed an entry about my lost ID. This isn't a talk-about-the-weather type of entry.

Going back to that frozen scene of finding out I lost my ID, I then forced myself to recollect and retrace the latest bit of memory I had with it. Was it on the internet shop? Did I left it in my bag? I rummaged but found nothing. I asked the internet shop clerk, they found nothing of sorts. Where could I have left it? I was at wit's end. I was losing hope. I was frustrated with how my memory served me with these stained-glass thoughts. I asked God where I could have put it. I asked Him as if a toddler asking her mother to give her that doll on the toystore...fervently and like losing all hope. I even wanted to curl into a ball, assume a fetal position and just, degenerate.

I prayed to God. I asked Him to help me remember and find my ID. I asked my apologies to Him how I would pridefully show the back portion of my ID so that anyone could see that I have only one unsigned box left. I didn't know losing that school property would offer me so much realization.

I told Him, "Lord, if this is Your will, and that You are telling me something through this situation, please help me understand what it is.". I told Him that.

God really never fails to amaze me. Sometimes, His answers take time, and by time I mean a long time (for the human mind trapped in the space-time continuum). But it could also come in a split second, like when you turn your eyes to the bulletin board of your Student's Affairs Office after you've been denied by your librarians saying they haven't found a card with my face and name on it.

There was it. My name. Under the Found Items section. How silly of me not considering about the Lost and Found Section. But sometimes, silly is all you can be after you've realized how you've become so focused on the problem and overlooking what God is already saying to you.

Another realization will be applied in a romantic way. I already notice eyeballs rolling. Nevertheless, the understanding came up to me. Maybe, my significant other is like my lost ID. I kept on looking for him on all the wrong places, as I did looking for my ID on the internet cafe, and library, and my bag. And because with every search comes futile results, I would resort to doing 'silly' things, and thinking about 'silly' thoughts (Reference note: the 'curling-into-a-ball-and-just-degenerate' part).

But alas, amidst all these things, it is really important to still consult God's guidance. Because He is always telling us something. Asking for His guidance and will isn't the last step, in fact, it is only the beginning. Most people, including myself, miss the second step. And that is to TRUST that He is really guiding us to the right path. It entails us to put our faith on Him that we would soon find what it is that we are missing - just as I have found my missing ID.

I'm On The Right Track

Dear Lord,

Lord God, alam nyo naman po na mateknolohiya na ang panahon ngayon. Kaya idadaan ko po dito ang dasal ko. Lord, hindi naman po naiba ang thought nito at ang sinseridad na nasa puso ko kumpara ng mag dadasal ako sa simbahan, o sa kahit anong oras ng araw ko. Idadaan ko lang po dito yung panalangin ko sa Inyo kasi po tingin ko mas ma-eexpress ko pa po yung gusto kong sabihin sa Inyo.

Salamat po sa lahat ng biyayang pinagkaloob nyo sa akin, sa pamilya ko, at sa mga mahal ko sa buhay ngayong 2011. Sa totoo lang po, kahit medyo gipit na gipit kami sa pang material na kayamanan gaya ng pera, eh hindi naman po kayo nagkulang na biyayaan kami ng mga bagay na kelan man ay hindi ma-tutumbasan ng salapi. Gaya na lamang po ng aming kalusugan, lalong lalo na sa mga lolo at lola ko. Salamat at walang sakit ang dumatnan sa amin ngayong taon na ito. Special mention ko lang po si Lolo Gabriel ko. Lord, alam kong masaya na siya sa piling Nyo ngayon. Lolo Gabriel, alam ko na madadama mo itong message ko: Mahal po kita. Kahit paminsan2x lang akong bumibisita sa Fairview, mahal po kita. Tinatawagan ko po kayo dati ni Lola Carmen twing Christmas o New Year, naalala nyo pa po ba? Hindi ko na magagawa ngayon yan Lolo. Bukod sa wala ka na, eh wala na rin kaming telephone sa bahay. Pero Lolo, hindi na ako mababahala pa kasi alam kong kasama mo na ang Poong Maykapal. Na binigyan ka na nya ng Eternal Rest. At balang araw, magkikita tayo kasama si Lord. Yayakapin po kita, gaya ng pagyakap ko sa iyo tatlong araw bago kayo pumanaw. Naiiyak ako Lolo, kasi may mga pagkukulang din ako sa inyo. Pero mahal na mahal kita Lo, alam mo yan. At masaya ako na nakapagpahinga kana sa mundong ito.

Lord God, pasensya na at na ano pa yung topic. Hmmm, Lord, paulit ulit ko nalang tong sinasabi ang pagpapasalamat ko sa inyo. Eh kasi andami talaga ng biyaya. At salamat kasi nakikita ko yon, napagpahalagahan. Yun siguro yung importante. Yung Pagpapahalaga. Ipinagdarasal ko din po ang mga puso ng mga taong kulang sa pagpapahalaga. Sana makita nila ang Iyong pagmamahal sa araw araw na walang palya at hindi tumbas ng karangyaan sa buhay o kung ano mang pagpapala.

Lord God, tungkol naman po sa pag-aaral ko, unang una, nagpapasalamat po ako dahil sa simula't sapul, binigyan nyo po ako ng oportunidad na mahalin yung kursong Nursing kaya't naging madali nalang halos lahat ng leksyon sa akin. But despite of this, help me to be humble and not boast but not to the point that I won't honor any credits I have earned because of Your help and guidance. It has been almost 2 years sa College, at since day 1, alam kong hindi Nyo po ako pinabayaan. Hinihingi ko po na sana ipagpatuloy nyo po ang pag gguide sa hindi lang hanggang ma realize ko po yung dreams ko to be a nurse, pero hanggang po sa huling hininga ko believing in Your grace that have saved me ever since. Sa pang-araw araw ko po na buhay eskwela, inaamin kong hindi ko kaya lahat ng ito kung wala ang Inyong tulong. Nagkukulang po ako, at kelangan ko ang Inyong Divine Intervention upang tugunan ang pag kukulang ko. At higit sa lahat, ipinagdarasal ko po na sana, kahit anong mangyari, kahit magka-graduate ko po o makakita na ako ng trabaho, kahit saan ako mapunta sa mundong ito, SANA PO, hindi ko po makakalimutan ang True Essence of being a Nurse. Of being an angel to the sick through Your Grace. Alam kong madulas ang daan, at nakakasilaw ang pangmundong karangyaan, pero LORD, Strengthen my faith and devotion to the Nursing Advocacy. Na hindi ko po i-eequate yung pagiging nurse sa pera at greener pastures, kundi, ang pagtulong sa mga higit na nangangailangan through your Will and Grace.

Lord God, marami rin akong nagawang kasalanan sa taong ito at sa mga nakaraang taon. Sa kayrami nila eh puro temptation lang lahat nauugat. Temptation. Lord, ang dali dali ko lang ma-tukso. Kahit anong isipin ko, na tutukso agad ako. Ang dali ko lang magpadala sa galit, kaya kung ano ano na ang naiisip ko. Ano po ba yung kelangan ko Lord? Discipline po ba? or mas greater pa dun? Lord, sa twing nalalayo ka po sa akin, pa-alalahanin nyo po ako kung ano ang tama at ano ang mali. Help me to be still. Or not to be still.Kung takbuhan yung tukso, umusog ng ilang steps at para hindi na makakita ng opportunity na ma tempt ako ulit. Yan po yung challenge ko this year. Makakayanan ko, in your Name, I can resist temptation!

Marami pa akong idadasal Lord God, marami pa akong ikkwento, nakikinig ka po palagi alam ko yan. Salamat po sa pakikinig. I also pray for the people whose faith is wavering, na isang thread nalang ang nag cconnect. I pray for them Lord. Whoever they are. For it is of great sadness to think of little or no faith. I also pray for the depressed, oppressed, and homeless. That they may find solace in just a simple thought of You.

I love You Lord. Let me feel Your Presence everyday. Never let me be separated from You, my God :-)