Tired.

So tired.
I don't like this feeling at all.
Stuck in something
When will
this
all make
sense?

I want to get away
where am I heading
I hate you
I hate
how I cannot
escape

when all I ever
needed
is
to
be
no
ti
ce
d.

Lord, gikapoy nako. Wa nako kabalo asa jud ko padulong. T_T I am in a quagmire and quandary T_T

God's Faithfulness in Our Mess

In my three years of walking with the Lord, my life has never been the same since. He has been three-dimensionally present in me. As my favorite Christian author would put it, the Holy Trinity is transcendent in every believer in such a way that God the Father is above him, Jesus Christ the Son is beside him, and the Holy Spirit is inside of him. That's exactly what I feel now that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

My journey as a Christian has not been an easy road. It is not devoid of trials, temptations, failures, and a lot of hardships that have tested me. Like any other relationship, we have faced and dealt with numerous issues, continually changing, sanctifying, pruning, but most importantly, abiding in Christ through it all. But also, unlike any other relationship, the one I have with Jesus is wholly different as I can now do all things through Him who gives me strength. With grateful heart, I praise God for every experience he has put me through because that has borne in me Faith which, to him, is more precious than gold.

Indeed, when I backread my prayer journals, I can attest that all the songs of praise and worship written and sung to the Lord for generations upon generations are really true. They all come alive, especially His Word, when I remember all the times God has been so distinctly involved in the nitty-gritty details of my life.

And so, at 23, I am living and breathing in His grace.

I am at lost for words for praise reports, and unsure of where I should start. Hopefully, these bullets will suffice:

• September 2016 - I enrolled for IELTS review
• February 2017 - I took the exam.
• March 2017 - Received my results. Failed to achieve my desired score for most of the countries I applied for, except for Canada. During this time, I had been at lost, challenged once again, began to question my abilities. It was like being denied that I cannot write the way IELTS required to get a band 7. I was short of 0.5. I then resorted to ask God what was his plan for me now that this is my reality. Is he redirecting me to a different path?
• In the same month, I once again visited the agency my uncle (who sponsored my going abroad) recommended. I was so lost at that time, telling God, acknowledging God I need his guidance and directions as I was not only heartbroken from the recent result, but I didn't know which step to take. The consequences of frustrations were also evident in my family. I understand where they are coming from for I myself have felt the same towards myself. But if I dwell on that part and focus on my failures instead of looking to God and his sovereignty, I cannot move on.

So now, after asking the Lord where I should go and what I should do next, I have decided that I will go for Canada as an immigrant. Now, I have to take the IELTS again but this time, in General Training band.

I pray that God will continue his work of sanctification and pruning as I abide in Him. Wherever I go, may he be glorified.

Amos 5:5-6

"do not seek Bethel,do not go to Gilgal,    do not journey to Beersheba.
For Gilgal will surely go into exile,    and Bethel will be reduced to nothing.”6 Seek the Lord and live,"

Write Again

Creek-eek-clunk-clunk-creek...


Do you hear that mechanical sound? Yep, that's the sound of my brain trying to express itself in words again.

It has been a long while since I last wrote. Work has taken up much of my time now. My days off are mostly spent sleeping. I read seldomly, too.  This isn't a form of complaint because believe me, I love my job. Yet like most jobs, it usually drains up the energy you would want to have for your hobbies.

Nevertheless, it's my rest day today.

Picture me in an uncrowded coffee shop, cafe macchiato waiting on the table, beside it are scattered notes for my IELTS review. Outside, it has just rained and the afternoon sun is hidden by dirty white clouds. So it's not eye-squintingly bright. Just perfect.

The truth is, I'm writing again not for the sake of actually being able to write for myself. It's for this IELTS exam. And because of that, I have a feeling of being a terrible person. It's like I betrayed the reasons governing writing, or something. Well I just hope my band scores do not suffer because of that. I cringe at the thought of it.

My test's not until early next year though, so I still got a lot of time 'preparing' for it. Listening, writing, and speaking has been hard. Reading's manageable. I need to have a band score of 7 above for me to earn extra credits to Canada. That's the plan. If the Lord wills, that's my pathway. But I leave the steering wheel for Him to maneuver wherever, whenever, however He wants me to go.

This is pointless. I'll try listening for now.

Hope is a Cruel Thing

Where were you when I needed you the most?
When everything seems to fall apart
and I was at my worst?
Did you say anything?
Any how are you's, nothing.
You didn't even asked how
I was doing in spite of it all.

When things were happy
and I was on a congratulatory mood.
Still you weren't there
No nothing. Heard nothing.

Happy
Sad
Or in between
you
just
weren't
There.

...

Then I realized,
you weren't there after all.
After all those times
you still weren't there.

You never were.
You never have.
You never will.

Never will.

Never.

In the Stillness

You have to be okay on your own. You should not need to seek emotional high from anyone, oftentimes mistaking it as love. If they reach out to you, good. It's their job in the first place. It's just unfortunate that you fell for the wrong person. But of course, considering your age, it is just as natural and not as uncommon as you think it is. You have to understand, value, and appreciate yourself on your own light so that when they do not do so, you are firmly grounded on the foundation of who you are as a singular person, and not in the identity that they give to you. 

Also, be careful of what you read and see, because if it is from the world then there's a big chance it will not be as reliable. Be careful on who you let to influence you. God said in Romans 12:2, "Do not conform yourself to the pattern of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of your Father in heaven."

But of course that does not disregard the advices that you deem right and sound. Just like what Su gave you. It's a blessing from God to have such kind of people in your life. God really is amazing in his creation that he created us uniquely different from each other, so that when opinions are needed, it's always nice to hear from a different point of view.

What she said to me really left a mark in my mind. I know my place. I know who I am. And I do not need anyone's attention to feel beautiful, accepted, and more importantly, loved. I love myself the way I am, my family loves me, my friends love me, and most especially, if that list all crumbles down, I have my Jesus who already loves me even before I knew what love is. I do not need any guy to feed me up and then tear me down just because he is yet unstable in his ways too.

I believe that when I talk about love, GB still exists, and God is still molding us for each other. The fact that we aren't still together now is a clear sign that we are not yet ready. My hope is in the Lord, and he will not disappoint :) -Psalm 9:10

My identity is secured in Christ. I am his daughter, loved and treasured by my Father, the King of the heavens. Naturally speaking, I should be pursued. And pursued I should be. Just as any princess is to a King.

       My happiness is nothing compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus who is the source of my joy. Life is more than finding true love and GBs. It is be holding the fact that Jesus loves me, He died for me to have a relationship with Him, the kind of relationship that brings security, fullness in identity, and hope. Hope in what's to come. Hope found in eternal life with the Father. There's gotta be a reason why I am called The Bride. Because Jesus? He is my Bridegroom. He is the real GB. ❤ what amazing the Fathers love for us. That he would send his only son to rescue us. He has saved us, called us blameless, guides us now, and will sustain us. Oh how wonderful the Father's love!

A Tribute to my Lolo

What a month this has been.

God has once again showed another side of Him. Of all the traits of God, His Sovereignty has always been the one that interests me the most. I recognize and submit to His will, and I humble myself that He is always in control of all the events in my life.

Now, he has put that to the test through the death of my loving grandfather. Lolo Jesus has been like a father to me, closer than my real father ever was - if I might say. I grew up with him, in his house, and he was the one who reared me. Being the eldest grandchild of his eldest daughter, little Ayiin was like the apple of his eye. When my family recollects lolo's life, they say that lolo was lucky in the lottery when I was born. He would frequently win with every bet, some would even reach to 5-digit wins. So I grew up with all the "luho". Almost everyday we would go to SM and eat at Ding Qua Qua, I remember that was his favorite restaurant - which eventually gave me the taste for chinese food. Growing up, I was blessed with all the love and sometimes too much love showered to me by my family, most especially my lolo.

Remarkably also, he suffered a stroke which paralyzed half of his body just two years after I was born. But that did not stop him from taking care of me and giving me all that I need. Our neighbors would even recall to me how my lolo would carry me very early in the morning so I could get the sun I need. Then when I was learning to walk, he would walk me around our village, stopping by to pick wild flowers in vacant lots, while playing with the goats that are feeding on them.

When my grandfather was paralyzed, and had to be hospitalized every now and then, I was always there to watch over him whenever my lola or mama had to be away to buy medicine. And when I was old enough, I would be the one to buy his meds or other things that he needed. I distinctly remember, whenever the nurse would take his blood sugar, he would always tell me to climb up his bed and observe how the nurse does it. It was his dream for me to become a nurse just like my uncles and aunt. And ever since I was little, I never dreamed of another thing.

He inspired me to do good at school, to always excel and do my best. Being a lawyer, his love for good grammar, dictionaries, and well-written prose has been passed on to me. My other grandfather of the father side, Lolo Gabriel, was a huge bookworm. He would lend me volumes and volumes of Readers' Digest Condensed Books, while my Lolo Jesus taught me to underline words that I do not yet know. He was a walking dictionary, as my lola would say. He would read books with a dictionary in his side. My earnest request for my lolo Jesus was that he would be able to attend my high school and college graduation. And indeed, he was. He even attended my Capping and Badging Ceremony. I thank the Lord God that I shared those moments with him.

June 7, 2015 at 5:17PM, the Sovereign God Almighty has taken my Lolo Jesus into His loving arms. I was on the 7AM-3PM shift, and heading to the hospital near our town was like the longest and most painful ride for me. My soul was like teared to pieces, praying so hard to God that I would just reach in time for my lolo to be still alive. But God has another plans, and I still submit to that.

While waiting for the funeral parlor to fetch my lolo, I remember crying till no tears were able to fall down from my eyes. During those times I remember asking the Lord the classic question where most hurt hearts would absentmindedly ask, "Why, Lord?". The hurt has blinded me so much to see the greater picture. Sometimes even now, when I dwell on the loss and pain my lolo caused when he left, I would again ask the Lord why. But the Lord is so amazing. Everything that happened to me is all for His greater glory and I am thankful that that is His will.

Because of this life changing event, God has taught me that He IS:
Almighty, Sovereign, Lord over All, Comforter of the weak and weary, His Word is perfect, and is a great comfort. His wisdom is greater than mine. His strength is perfect for my weakness. And that He is still a God whom I can rely on, trust on, put my faith on, and through JESUS CHRIST who has been the perfect atonement, and how John 3:16 has been one of the greatest verses that came to life when my grandfather died, and how God is over, above and beyond everything - even in LIFE itself. He has conquered Death, and He has given us the life that is truly life! All to His Greater Glory!

I’m sorry if you got yourself caught up by the indecisive and impulsive person that I am. I’m sorry that it was your fate that intertwined with mine at some point in the road. Like a stain that leaves an indelible yellow mark as you try to put bleach on it. I”m sorry it had to be me. I’m sorry I pricked you with the thorns on all of the roses you gave me. I’m sorry that I cut you with the jagged edges of that part of my heart that was still left unmended. I’m sorry if I ever ruined a part of you that cannot be undone. I’m sorry I took a portion of you that I cannot give back. I’m sorry I was silent all along. I’m sorry to still bother you despite it all. If I knew it would turn up to be like this, I would never have let you in. If it meant preserving you. And controlling me. And leaving us still whole. Now we’re just not the same people we used to be anymore. A lot has changed – for the better, for the worse? I don’t know which. But in the light of where I am at now, I don’t like the looks of it. I lost a friend. And I don’t think its worth the bargain of the experiences I gained as a consolation to it. I wish I never let you in; if keeping you out meant safety. Safety from the mess that I am. I wish black never blended with white, now all I have is gray. How it pains me to think I am running away from a friend. How cruel could love be when it is shared not at the right time, place, or perhaps, person. I’m sorry we had the misfortune, or the privilege, to share it in that context.

In all of this, I know you might say you have forgiven me. And that you wish to move on from there. And I know it, and I believe it that you really do have forgiven me, even as I write these things to you. Perhaps, all the sorry is not for you, but for me. Perhaps I haven’t totally forgiven myself yet. I took the heartbreaking in so very seriously that I haven’t really totally forgiven myself yet. There’s a hope in me that someday, I’ll learn to forgive myself. I’ll begin to accept that some things cannot be undone anymore, and forgiving doesn’t always mean getting back together. I’ll have to be brave and reason with the blind optimism nature in me. If I am to be an optimist, I should be hoping to accept that life goes on, even after a break up. Whether you did this to the person, or that person did that to you, it’s all the same conclusion: :Life, still goes on. And you just have to keep walking. And you just have to keep on moving forward, because no other road holds more genuine hope than the road ahead.

Prayer
Dear Father, I confess that while I pray for Your Will to be done, I am often afraid of the discomfort this will actually cause. I know that at times Your Will includes pain. When I am hurting physically, emotionally, or spiritually … I search for ways to relieve or escape my pain. The escape becomes my focus as I obsess about how I will solve my problems. I pray to You, Father, to help me really believe that Your way is perfect. Help me to rely on your peace and comfort. I pray in the name of the One who always followed Your will, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say – AMEN!

The Truth

As for God, his way is perfect … He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.  2 Samuel 22:31

We live by faith, not by sight  2 Corinthians 5:7

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: ^1aimmorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  Galatians 5:19-23

Jesus Prays For You

It is an awesome privilege to have someone pray for you.  I pray regularly for the readers of this website and for the staff of writers and technical support personnel, and many who contact us here, but if you wanted someone to pray for you, how about Jesus!   That’s the prayer request list I want on!  The fact is that Jesus does pray for those in the Body of Christ, the church.  In John 17 Jesus prayed to God the Father and said, “I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours“(v 9). “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word” (v 20).  “I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them” (v 26). What an awesome thing to have the Son of God praying for you “For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God’s presence” (Heb 9:24).  God intercedes today in God the Father’s presence for us, on our behalf!  How awesome is our God!   If Christ saw fit to pray, and understood God was sovereign over all things and in all ages, why can we not see the importance of it, regardless of the fact that God is sovereign?  How can we not pray for one another?

Read more here.

Then and Now: After Reading My Earlier Entries re Employment Issues

"O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" -Romans 11:33

"All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent." -Isaiah 28:29

Always amazed and always awestruck at your twists and turns, Lord. They are too far for me to fully comprehend. Your omniscience in contrast to my finite mind brings me to my knees, makes me at a loss for words (or too humbled to even say anything), and makes me realize how prideful I could be to even stand before you.

Lord, now that another opportunity has opened, where should I go? Which road should I take? I know that all things work together for good Lord, but I only want what you will. Please guide me this time. Help me to be patient and have the heart to trust in Your promptings and timings.

Amen.