It Finds Its Way To You

God's answer to every issue in my life right now,
whether in singleness or in career and future-wise:

Hebrews 12:2. Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Solid example about sa lovelife...
Naay song na ganahan ko. Had not I opened spotify, I would never have discovered it. Or so I thought. Because a couple of weeks after, while naa ko sa naga bay, nakadungog ko ato. And the feeling is still the same. So I realized na even if wala ko nka open sa spotify, life still has a way of letting me know about that song. Ana lang siguro. How does this relate to my lovelife? Well, in a godly perspective, if life - whom God is the author of - has a way of leading even a single song to me, how much more those weighty matters like a lifetime partner (LTP) and career?

It is indeed true that the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it (Psalm 24:1)...and everything is a reason to give thanks to the Father (1 Thes. 5:17), and nothing escapes his notice (Hebrews 4:13), he examines every heart, his eyes gaze to and fro to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him (2 Chron. 16:9), and that in his presence there is fullness of joy and at his right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11).

So knowing this. I am fully confident in God through Christ in his fullness.

Journey to Becoming a USRN: A Testimony

Honestly, I had a hard time on how to start this entry. So many things have happened since I last made a blog post here, considering it's only been about a month. Well, this appears to be my first in year 2018. Like how I praisefully ended last year, I will start this year off with more and more praise and thanksgiving.

The highlight for the starting months would be my NCLEX. It is a state board exam for me to be licensed to practice in the USA. That "American Dream" was just a dream for me, so to speak, even when I was still a kid. A little trip down memory lane, as a child I always wanted to work 'abroad', and 'abroad' always meant the US. But as I graduated college and started working, the trend of nurses to apply for the US have been declining because of stricter laws. This has also negatively affected my dreams. I thought they were down the drain. I began to accept that.

But you know? God is just so amazingly unpredictable. As Isaiah 55:8-9 says,

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways.

His thoughts are far greater than ours. And also Ephesians 3:20 declares,

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think.

 and so many other verses with the common theme: God is GREATER. He is immeasurably over, above, and beyond everything. How amazing is it that He is our God? More than that, we are able to call Him "Abba, Father", all because of Christ!

Following my seemingly sad state of having a near-miss point in IELTS last year (see older entries), God has proven himself once again to be the REDEEMER that He is. Isn't it amazing that He, as if Christ's salvation and redemption is not enough, is also willing to redeem us from our each and every version of our pit, and build us back to beauty from ashes? Yep, I guess that is one of his many specialties that I am so thankful for. Oh, a christian's life is full of praising isn't it? Because the God that we serve is always worthy of it all! I don't want to apologize that I sound like I can't contain it because I really cannot! When I remember God's faithfulness, it's hard to keep it to yourself, to not share the joy, to just explode in praising and worship. No wonder God set eternity in the hearts of all his children because we need all eternity to praise and worship him.

Okay so where was I? Uhm yeah, so after days of wailing about how my score turned out for IELTS. I have hoped that I would really get it. Isn't it funny how you're so caught up in your dreams that it begins to cloud your spiritual senses? If I had passed that test, I would surely be in a place that I would regret in the long run. Another Jeremiah 29:11 promise brewing I might say. I'm just so thankful once again that God is sovereign. There were numerous times wherein God has overridden my self-will, and I cannot thank him enough for those times. Sometimes, despite how unbiblical this thought can be, I wish God would just take full control of me, my desires, since He knows best. Yet again, he doesn't want robots, he wants US - the raw us. He wants for us to willfully give him his love. What's even amazing is that, even the strength that is in us to give the love that He deserves does not come from us - It all comes from him! (1 John 4:19) WOW. So were is boasting? None! It is all to him. Wow.

When I was in despair, distraught that I had disappointed my parents, I didn't know where I would go next. I was without direction. If I were to speak in carnal terms, it seemed like God took my dream away from me leaving me with no clue on where next to go. I was so sure of it before, after this, I'd proceed to that, et cetera. As it turns out, I was in the place where every ounce of dream that I had has been drained off my system. Little did I know, even know as I look back, this is how the Lord sanctified Moses, David, Abraham, Paul, and all the other men in the Bible. God emptied them off of theirselves until they were now filled with HIM. Wow. T_T I cannot even fathom how God would consider me His temple through Christ. Yet he looks at Christ's righteousness, not on my own. I take off the old man, and put on the new one. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

So back to my story, I knew that gone are my plans of going to the countries I considered, but one night shift, I was assigned to another area because ICU didn't have any patients. To cut the story short, I got introduced to this agency called Avant by my colleague. She passed NCLEX and she's processing her US application, and she recommended me that I try to apply. Coincidentally, when I checked, Avant will be conducting an interview the next 2 weeks after that. Wow! Talk about God-ordained moment. I then got accepted in their 7-month review program, and this January 2018, I sit for the NCLEX in Makati- all expense paid!

I can't even begin to talk about my 2-day retreat with Jesus and me in Makati, thousand miles away from home, flying all by myself for the first time, to go to a place I don't have any single idea what it would be like. Oh what amazing and sweet time we had in Makati. I know it's not because of the liberty of being alone in a new place, nor the pressure I felt during while preparing for the exam. I knew it was because He was there, with every waking breath, every single space, every decision, He is there. His presence is just overwhelming. His word fell afresh on me as I meditate on it in the Hotel, in the way going elsewhere I need to go, even in my sleep, more so in my exam. I just felt, during this whole journey with him, that he's been carrying me. I'm literally not lifting any muscle, it's just been him all along.

Now you may be wondering why I attached a picture of some rocks put together some on top of another. Well, in the Old Testament, God always tell his people Israelites to remember and never forget his benefits (Psalm 103:2). That's why this serves as my "rock of remembrance", to remind myself that God has delivered me, God has redeemed me, and He will continue to give more of himself to me as I fix my eyes on Jesus no matter what comes my way in the next days.

For more info on rock of remembrances, you might want to check this website:
https://soulspartan.com/2014/01/27/altars-of-remembrance/

At various times in the Old Testament, God’s people set up a simple altar of remembrance at a place where God did an especially powerful miracle, at a place where God dramatically rescued His people, at a place where God taught them an important lesson. These altars of remembrance–constructed of simple, local stones–would serve to remind future generations of God’s past faithfulness in order to give them strength to continue trusting the LORD in their present trials.

 

To The God Who Restores: A Testimony

"My times are in Your hands..."

-Psalm 31:15 

The year that is 2017 has been a year of breaking, shedding, rearranging, to make room for more anointing. And indeed, God has been so keen and so involved even in the nitty gritty details of my life. How wonderful indeed it is to know that the God of the whole universe takes so much interest and care on what happens in this tiny heart who longs for Him.

Even though some dreams were not realized, God has replaced it with so much more! Even more than I could ever ask for. Truly, He is more concerned with my spiritual growth than any other growth of my life. And I am truly thankful for Him - even this zeal, this passion, this hunger for more of Jesus doesn't spring out from me...it comes from him. Mindblowing. I just look back, had God permitted me to go and work abroad, be busy for every preparation, I wouldn't experience his amazing work and in turn, I wouldn't have more revelations of Him.

I know he is a God who doesn't waste a hurt. Indeed, he never did! He rearranged my perspectives in life. He opened my eyes to see how he is working, how he's been faithful in every aspect of my life, my family, the people around me. He is sovereign over all. And I am just in the position of praise when I see how he is doing it all for His greater glory. It just leaves me in awe. He has got everything in his hands: He will command everything, arrange everything, while I am just here, kneeling in front of Him, serving Him with the strength He provides, giving Him the praises from the very breath he gave me, loving Him with the love he rains down upon me. For His Greater Glory.

So this year, and for ever more. I will always put my hope, my trust, my confidence, every single molecule of my being, to the One who has captivated me body and soul; to the One who owns my life bought with the precious Blood of Christ; to the One who knows me, who gave himself up for me, and who will come back for me, to bring me to the place He prepared for me, whose Name is above all names. JESUS the CHRIST.

Signed and sealed.

Tired.

So tired.
I don't like this feeling at all.
Stuck in something
When will
this
all make
sense?

I want to get away
where am I heading
I hate you
I hate
how I cannot
escape

when all I ever
needed
is
to
be
no
ti
ce
d.

Lord, gikapoy nako. Wa nako kabalo asa jud ko padulong. T_T I am in a quagmire and quandary T_T

God's Faithfulness in Our Mess

In my three years of walking with the Lord, my life has never been the same since. He has been three-dimensionally present in me. As my favorite Christian author would put it, the Holy Trinity is transcendent in every believer in such a way that God the Father is above him, Jesus Christ the Son is beside him, and the Holy Spirit is inside of him. That's exactly what I feel now that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

My journey as a Christian has not been an easy road. It is not devoid of trials, temptations, failures, and a lot of hardships that have tested me. Like any other relationship, we have faced and dealt with numerous issues, continually changing, sanctifying, pruning, but most importantly, abiding in Christ through it all. But also, unlike any other relationship, the one I have with Jesus is wholly different as I can now do all things through Him who gives me strength. With grateful heart, I praise God for every experience he has put me through because that has borne in me Faith which, to him, is more precious than gold.

Indeed, when I backread my prayer journals, I can attest that all the songs of praise and worship written and sung to the Lord for generations upon generations are really true. They all come alive, especially His Word, when I remember all the times God has been so distinctly involved in the nitty-gritty details of my life.

And so, at 23, I am living and breathing in His grace.

I am at lost for words for praise reports, and unsure of where I should start. Hopefully, these bullets will suffice:

• September 2016 - I enrolled for IELTS review
• February 2017 - I took the exam.
• March 2017 - Received my results. Failed to achieve my desired score for most of the countries I applied for, except for Canada. During this time, I had been at lost, challenged once again, began to question my abilities. It was like being denied that I cannot write the way IELTS required to get a band 7. I was short of 0.5. I then resorted to ask God what was his plan for me now that this is my reality. Is he redirecting me to a different path?
• In the same month, I once again visited the agency my uncle (who sponsored my going abroad) recommended. I was so lost at that time, telling God, acknowledging God I need his guidance and directions as I was not only heartbroken from the recent result, but I didn't know which step to take. The consequences of frustrations were also evident in my family. I understand where they are coming from for I myself have felt the same towards myself. But if I dwell on that part and focus on my failures instead of looking to God and his sovereignty, I cannot move on.

So now, after asking the Lord where I should go and what I should do next, I have decided that I will go for Canada as an immigrant. Now, I have to take the IELTS again but this time, in General Training band.

I pray that God will continue his work of sanctification and pruning as I abide in Him. Wherever I go, may he be glorified.

Amos 5:5-6

"do not seek Bethel,do not go to Gilgal,    do not journey to Beersheba.
For Gilgal will surely go into exile,    and Bethel will be reduced to nothing.”6 Seek the Lord and live,"

Write Again

Creek-eek-clunk-clunk-creek...


Do you hear that mechanical sound? Yep, that's the sound of my brain trying to express itself in words again.

It has been a long while since I last wrote. Work has taken up much of my time now. My days off are mostly spent sleeping. I read seldomly, too.  This isn't a form of complaint because believe me, I love my job. Yet like most jobs, it usually drains up the energy you would want to have for your hobbies.

Nevertheless, it's my rest day today.

Picture me in an uncrowded coffee shop, cafe macchiato waiting on the table, beside it are scattered notes for my IELTS review. Outside, it has just rained and the afternoon sun is hidden by dirty white clouds. So it's not eye-squintingly bright. Just perfect.

The truth is, I'm writing again not for the sake of actually being able to write for myself. It's for this IELTS exam. And because of that, I have a feeling of being a terrible person. It's like I betrayed the reasons governing writing, or something. Well I just hope my band scores do not suffer because of that. I cringe at the thought of it.

My test's not until early next year though, so I still got a lot of time 'preparing' for it. Listening, writing, and speaking has been hard. Reading's manageable. I need to have a band score of 7 above for me to earn extra credits to Canada. That's the plan. If the Lord wills, that's my pathway. But I leave the steering wheel for Him to maneuver wherever, whenever, however He wants me to go.

This is pointless. I'll try listening for now.

Hope is a Cruel Thing

Where were you when I needed you the most?
When everything seems to fall apart
and I was at my worst?
Did you say anything?
Any how are you's, nothing.
You didn't even asked how
I was doing in spite of it all.

When things were happy
and I was on a congratulatory mood.
Still you weren't there
No nothing. Heard nothing.

Happy
Sad
Or in between
you
just
weren't
There.

...

Then I realized,
you weren't there after all.
After all those times
you still weren't there.

You never were.
You never have.
You never will.

Never will.

Never.

In the Stillness

You have to be okay on your own. You should not need to seek emotional high from anyone, oftentimes mistaking it as love. If they reach out to you, good. It's their job in the first place. It's just unfortunate that you fell for the wrong person. But of course, considering your age, it is just as natural and not as uncommon as you think it is. You have to understand, value, and appreciate yourself on your own light so that when they do not do so, you are firmly grounded on the foundation of who you are as a singular person, and not in the identity that they give to you. 

Also, be careful of what you read and see, because if it is from the world then there's a big chance it will not be as reliable. Be careful on who you let to influence you. God said in Romans 12:2, "Do not conform yourself to the pattern of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of your Father in heaven."

But of course that does not disregard the advices that you deem right and sound. Just like what Su gave you. It's a blessing from God to have such kind of people in your life. God really is amazing in his creation that he created us uniquely different from each other, so that when opinions are needed, it's always nice to hear from a different point of view.

What she said to me really left a mark in my mind. I know my place. I know who I am. And I do not need anyone's attention to feel beautiful, accepted, and more importantly, loved. I love myself the way I am, my family loves me, my friends love me, and most especially, if that list all crumbles down, I have my Jesus who already loves me even before I knew what love is. I do not need any guy to feed me up and then tear me down just because he is yet unstable in his ways too.

I believe that when I talk about love, GB still exists, and God is still molding us for each other. The fact that we aren't still together now is a clear sign that we are not yet ready. My hope is in the Lord, and he will not disappoint :) -Psalm 9:10

My identity is secured in Christ. I am his daughter, loved and treasured by my Father, the King of the heavens. Naturally speaking, I should be pursued. And pursued I should be. Just as any princess is to a King.

       My happiness is nothing compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus who is the source of my joy. Life is more than finding true love and GBs. It is be holding the fact that Jesus loves me, He died for me to have a relationship with Him, the kind of relationship that brings security, fullness in identity, and hope. Hope in what's to come. Hope found in eternal life with the Father. There's gotta be a reason why I am called The Bride. Because Jesus? He is my Bridegroom. He is the real GB. ❤ what amazing the Fathers love for us. That he would send his only son to rescue us. He has saved us, called us blameless, guides us now, and will sustain us. Oh how wonderful the Father's love!

A Tribute to my Lolo

What a month this has been.

God has once again showed another side of Him. Of all the traits of God, His Sovereignty has always been the one that interests me the most. I recognize and submit to His will, and I humble myself that He is always in control of all the events in my life.

Now, he has put that to the test through the death of my loving grandfather. Lolo Jesus has been like a father to me, closer than my real father ever was - if I might say. I grew up with him, in his house, and he was the one who reared me. Being the eldest grandchild of his eldest daughter, little Ayiin was like the apple of his eye. When my family recollects lolo's life, they say that lolo was lucky in the lottery when I was born. He would frequently win with every bet, some would even reach to 5-digit wins. So I grew up with all the "luho". Almost everyday we would go to SM and eat at Ding Qua Qua, I remember that was his favorite restaurant - which eventually gave me the taste for chinese food. Growing up, I was blessed with all the love and sometimes too much love showered to me by my family, most especially my lolo.

Remarkably also, he suffered a stroke which paralyzed half of his body just two years after I was born. But that did not stop him from taking care of me and giving me all that I need. Our neighbors would even recall to me how my lolo would carry me very early in the morning so I could get the sun I need. Then when I was learning to walk, he would walk me around our village, stopping by to pick wild flowers in vacant lots, while playing with the goats that are feeding on them.

When my grandfather was paralyzed, and had to be hospitalized every now and then, I was always there to watch over him whenever my lola or mama had to be away to buy medicine. And when I was old enough, I would be the one to buy his meds or other things that he needed. I distinctly remember, whenever the nurse would take his blood sugar, he would always tell me to climb up his bed and observe how the nurse does it. It was his dream for me to become a nurse just like my uncles and aunt. And ever since I was little, I never dreamed of another thing.

He inspired me to do good at school, to always excel and do my best. Being a lawyer, his love for good grammar, dictionaries, and well-written prose has been passed on to me. My other grandfather of the father side, Lolo Gabriel, was a huge bookworm. He would lend me volumes and volumes of Readers' Digest Condensed Books, while my Lolo Jesus taught me to underline words that I do not yet know. He was a walking dictionary, as my lola would say. He would read books with a dictionary in his side. My earnest request for my lolo Jesus was that he would be able to attend my high school and college graduation. And indeed, he was. He even attended my Capping and Badging Ceremony. I thank the Lord God that I shared those moments with him.

June 7, 2015 at 5:17PM, the Sovereign God Almighty has taken my Lolo Jesus into His loving arms. I was on the 7AM-3PM shift, and heading to the hospital near our town was like the longest and most painful ride for me. My soul was like teared to pieces, praying so hard to God that I would just reach in time for my lolo to be still alive. But God has another plans, and I still submit to that.

While waiting for the funeral parlor to fetch my lolo, I remember crying till no tears were able to fall down from my eyes. During those times I remember asking the Lord the classic question where most hurt hearts would absentmindedly ask, "Why, Lord?". The hurt has blinded me so much to see the greater picture. Sometimes even now, when I dwell on the loss and pain my lolo caused when he left, I would again ask the Lord why. But the Lord is so amazing. Everything that happened to me is all for His greater glory and I am thankful that that is His will.

Because of this life changing event, God has taught me that He IS:
Almighty, Sovereign, Lord over All, Comforter of the weak and weary, His Word is perfect, and is a great comfort. His wisdom is greater than mine. His strength is perfect for my weakness. And that He is still a God whom I can rely on, trust on, put my faith on, and through JESUS CHRIST who has been the perfect atonement, and how John 3:16 has been one of the greatest verses that came to life when my grandfather died, and how God is over, above and beyond everything - even in LIFE itself. He has conquered Death, and He has given us the life that is truly life! All to His Greater Glory!

I’m sorry if you got yourself caught up by the indecisive and impulsive person that I am. I’m sorry that it was your fate that intertwined with mine at some point in the road. Like a stain that leaves an indelible yellow mark as you try to put bleach on it. I”m sorry it had to be me. I’m sorry I pricked you with the thorns on all of the roses you gave me. I’m sorry that I cut you with the jagged edges of that part of my heart that was still left unmended. I’m sorry if I ever ruined a part of you that cannot be undone. I’m sorry I took a portion of you that I cannot give back. I’m sorry I was silent all along. I’m sorry to still bother you despite it all. If I knew it would turn up to be like this, I would never have let you in. If it meant preserving you. And controlling me. And leaving us still whole. Now we’re just not the same people we used to be anymore. A lot has changed – for the better, for the worse? I don’t know which. But in the light of where I am at now, I don’t like the looks of it. I lost a friend. And I don’t think its worth the bargain of the experiences I gained as a consolation to it. I wish I never let you in; if keeping you out meant safety. Safety from the mess that I am. I wish black never blended with white, now all I have is gray. How it pains me to think I am running away from a friend. How cruel could love be when it is shared not at the right time, place, or perhaps, person. I’m sorry we had the misfortune, or the privilege, to share it in that context.

In all of this, I know you might say you have forgiven me. And that you wish to move on from there. And I know it, and I believe it that you really do have forgiven me, even as I write these things to you. Perhaps, all the sorry is not for you, but for me. Perhaps I haven’t totally forgiven myself yet. I took the heartbreaking in so very seriously that I haven’t really totally forgiven myself yet. There’s a hope in me that someday, I’ll learn to forgive myself. I’ll begin to accept that some things cannot be undone anymore, and forgiving doesn’t always mean getting back together. I’ll have to be brave and reason with the blind optimism nature in me. If I am to be an optimist, I should be hoping to accept that life goes on, even after a break up. Whether you did this to the person, or that person did that to you, it’s all the same conclusion: :Life, still goes on. And you just have to keep walking. And you just have to keep on moving forward, because no other road holds more genuine hope than the road ahead.