Saturday, September 27, 2014

Lord, as of now I'm still waiting for CVGH's call which they say might come on the first week of October. I am unsure of this Lord. Lord, you know that I want to work at Sotto, come December. For reasons like: it compensates well, and that I can learn more there, and I can serve people that really are in need. But if you think my reasons are not for good, and you think they root from something other than what I can identify, please help me to let it go trusting that Your plans and will is greater. I want to obey you Lord. For you know better than I. In fact, you know best.
"A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." -Proverbs 21:2
I thank you also Father God that you are Sovereign in all things (even in those prayers that I fervently ask of), as you have said in your word:
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21 
'Is God really in control? The concept of the control of God over everything is called the “sovereignty” of God. Nothing gives us strength and confidence like an understanding of the sovereignty of God in our lives. God’s sovereignty is defined as His complete and total independent control over every creature, event, and circumstance at every moment in history. Subject to none, influenced by none, absolutely independent, God does what He pleases, only as He pleases, always as He pleases. God is in complete control of every molecule in the universe at every moment, and everything that happens is either caused or allowed by Him for His own perfect purposes.' Read more.
Lord, I just received the reply of my uncle and auntie. Regarding the NCLEX and that Dream 51, I'm still unsure about everything - where to start, where to go from where I am now, etc. But I am sure You have this all figured out Lord, because you are the Alpha and Omega, you hold my Time in your hands. And I will just wait till you press on me your answers. Thank you for the peace that you give me, knowing that even if my situation seems blurry, it doesn't nullify your promises and what you can do for my life. For now please supply me the strength and wisdom as I trust to wait on You.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." -Jeremiah 29:11, KJV

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Lord, bahala daghang discouragements akong ma atubang, daghan mga setbacks and waiting period, Lord musalig gihapon ko nga imo kong tabangan ani akong dreams. You know what they are. But help me not to hold dear of them and not let them or my fears overshadow YOU and overpower your voice in my life.

Amen.

Inspirations

I googled "sotto nurse hiring cebu" and clicked on one of istorya.net's threads. After several readings here and there, most entries full of sad and hopeless posts, a ray of light came from this post of a registered nurse apparently now working and based abroad. His experiences speaks so much to me that I think God is telling me something in this. And being the forgetful person that I am, I think it very essential to post this here for further inspirational reference and confirmation in my walk. I quote "The Good$!!!'s link.":
"Kanang nia sa hospital karon utong sa mo ky gamit kaayo ang experience... Take mo ug IELTS unya pasara... Mao na pinaka importante nga exam para sa akoa... If nia ka IELTS unya nia ka experience good to go na... Pakiluoy lang sa imo ginikanan nga mu invest cla nimo mka larga ka ky once nia nka sa gawas dako kaayo ug burak ang nurse... Kanang half a million gasto ma bayaran rna mga 5-6 months if dli ka gastador... If lisod gani try sa Saudi... Ayaw kahadlok anang Saudi basta nia lang ka sa big cities wala na kuyaw... Wala pa tax didto contractual pa diretso ka trabaho... Wala pa tax mka uli pka every year... 
If wala pka hospital experience try lang jud mka ilog ka ug slot bisan volunteer ky sa akong ka batch dri 1 year plus cya volunteer g honor man... 
Last nko post ani nga thread is I think early this year... Pag May 18 nka larga ko dri sa NZ... From May 23 - July 1 g Competency Assessment Program ko... My whole month of June is hell... Halos mka boang ang kamingaw unya ako ra nahabilin sa town ky sa hopital ICU ko gpa clinical placement ky ang 4 ka kuyog nko larga sa NZ tua cla sa resthome in a neighboring town... Tga buntag pirteng tugnawa lakaw ko 25 mins padung sa hospital unya autumn nato... 7am na ngingit pa dri and I have to be in the hospital around 6:45am pra mka apil ko sa hand-over (endorsement). I have to do that 5 days a week for a whole damn month ky puro ko AM shift... Wala ko ka talk ky wala ko roomate... Ang kuyog sa accomodation puro Bombay ug 3 ka Ilonggo... Grabe ang psychological ug emotional strain samot na hapit na winter mka depressed ang mood... After sa ako CAP pag July 1 almost 1 month ko tambay dri but cge jud ko pangapply... Daghan ko g reject but pursige gihapon... Pag mid July g tawgan ko for 1st interview. I have to travel 1 hour and 30 mins to a place I have never been in a hospital that is one of the biggest hospitals in the Southern Hemisphere for an interview. By July 29 g tawgan ko that I got the job. 
Pag August 12 pa nko nadawat ako certificate as a Registered Nurse here in NZ... August 29 supposedly ko magstart but wala pa akong practising certificate... Pag September 5 na jud ko nka sugod as a staff nurse here in Waikato Hospital in Hamilton in the NICU... After 1 month nka adjust nko from an ICU nurse in Cebu to a NICU nurse here... Ako ra male nurse sa unit grabe ka ackward pag sugod pero cge lang ky well compensated man jud... Karon pa nanawag uban hospitals nga for interview ko... Mga 4 na cguro ako nabalibaran nga employed nko...Dili jud all peaches and cream kung mka abroad ka ky lisod jud ug adjust... Ang akoa ra jd experience sa St. Vincent ug sa Minglanilla District Hospital ako g saligan. Out of 20 namo sa bridging course 8 rami ka Pinoy then the rest bombay. Kami 5 ka bisaya nka trabaho na ug 1 ka bombay... 
Pero 3 years experience nko sa Cebu pag 1st kinsenas nko karon pko kagunit ug ingon ani ka dako nga kwarta sa akong tibuok kinabuhi nga ako g hagoan in just 2 weeks... Grabe ka fulfilling jud... 
I am now applying for permanent residency dri...Ayaw mo kawagtangan ug pag laom nga RNs ky believe me kusog pa ug hiring nurses dri sa abroad... 
Grind it out jud ni ang kinabuhi... Ang ako motto sa life sukad nka larga ko is " What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." 
Post ko ani just to share my experience coz 2007 batch ko and apil ko sa mga na apektuhan sa recession ug pag close sa doors sa mga nurses after 2006... 
God bless ninyo tanan..."

Yes. Kakayanin! Lord kaya ni nako basta naa lang ka sa akong side! :)

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Proverbs 16:1-3 - Plans (The Village Church Tapescript)

1. Who do your plans belong to? Okay, verse 1. Who do our plans belong to? Let's read it again. "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord." Okay, so there are two answers to this question. It's not a trick question. There are your plans, and there are his plans. Okay? They are legitimately your plans.

These are plans. This word means preparation. This doesn't mean impulses. This isn't you driving down Forest Lane. You see the Whataburger. Before you know it, you're in front of the drive-thru order, going, "What am I doing here? Can I get a number five with a Dr. Pepper?" We're not talking impulses; we're talking plans. This is preparation. This word would be used in making an altar and bringing the wood around the altar, strategically, meticulously laying it.

It would be used of an army being prepared for battle in their battle array. These are plans. They're thought out. It doesn't get deeper than our hearts. It says this is the plan of your heart. Your heart constitutionally is a very basic identity word. It's what you're determined to have, what you're motivated to have more than anything else. These are your plans.

Then you notice to whom the plans belong. They belong to the Lord. When you see Lord, when you see that word capital L-O-R-D, that's not just a lord. That's Yahweh. That's his personal name. That's the same word that's used in Genesis in the creation story. We're saying here that the God who hung Orion's Belt has intimately claimed a stake in the details of your life. He has very much involved himself into the minutia of your life.

In fact, I would go so far to say he is proud of that. What makes the Hebrew story of creation so distinct is that, unlike every other god, whoever allegedly formed the world, Yahweh Elohim is the God who takes pride in getting his hands dirty and being in the details. He has claimed an intimate stake in the details of your life because your plans, the answer ultimately comes from him.

Honestly, 30-plus years later, I have seen some of my plans fulfilled. I've seen some of them have died. They're not going to happen. I'm still waiting on some. I know that's your story too. You're waiting on your plans. You're living some. You're seeing old ones die. You're seeing new ones form. I think a really good question for us is…

2. What does God see in your plans? What does he see in our plans? Well, I'd say two things. He sees underneath your plans, and then he sees beyond your plans. Let's read verse 2. It says, "All the ways of a man are pure [clear] in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit."

It says we're the most affirmed generation in history. We expect rapid advancement. We're not looking for the job that just pays the bills but an expression of our identity. It's not that we're confident. We're over-confident. We're cocky. However much of this is true (some of it is), this is what I know. Our "millennialness" exacerbates, it emphasizes, the fact that we think we can have what we want to have.

The Bible says God is actually looking underneath our plans. He gives us these desires, and he gives us this kind of creative energy to shape the way we want things to look. Yet he is weighing our spirit. That word spirit means frame of mind. You know, God is thinking about the things we think about. He is weighing our spirits. He is asking these questions. He is saying, "Why do you want that? Why do you need that? Why is that important for you?"

This is a personal conversation. He is a Father. That's what he does. He asks really good, heart-level questions. He is asking the questions underneath the questions. He is thinking about the things we think about. When you think about me, especially if I just kind of offer myself out here, I see giving God my plans is one thing.

Usually that works really well when I'm praying my plans into existence. I have two hands up in the air. I'm like, "God, give me this. Let me see this." I'll tell you. I'm in the danger zone as soon as one hand is down and one hand is up. It's a different story when I'm going, "I have to have this. This has to happen." If I could give you a microcosm of this, it's me in traffic. I keep going back to these traffic analogies, but just bear with me.

We all know. Christians know there are legitimately… God has ordained for us legitimate seasons where we will wait, where we will be confused, where wewill be annoyed. Yet instead of dealing with the traffic, I have to manufacture something into existence. I have to manipulate my circumstances to make something happen.

Guys, y'all are doing this too. Things aren't working out the way you want them to work out, and so you're trying to make things happen. Because what you want your relationship, what your relationship prospects were hopefully going to look like by this age haven't happened yet, you're finding yourself out at bars at stupid times at night with the wrong people.

Or your career plan hasn't happened the way you want it to, so you find yourself just kissing up to your boss. You're just working stupid hours because you want your boss to give you that promotion. Or financially you're not where you want to be, where you thought you'd be 10 years ago, so you're just getting into stupid debt because your plans told you that you should have more. We struggle with this. This is legitimately a struggle in our culture.

Sometimes I think the most encouraging thing we could hear is, first, God is not going to let us know in this and then, secondly, he is actually looking underneath our plans. What do I mean by that? I mean this. If you look into your future and you see that thing you think you need, what you're likely going to do is you're going to identify some shame in your life now.


If you're looking for that relationship into the future that hasn't happened yet, what that will actually do is that will be a signpost backwards to say, "I have shame in my life that the Lord hasn't given me the things I've been asking him to give me." If you want to know what those things are, those things you're looking way out into the future to try to figure out…

I'm sorry. Let me say that differently. You're looking way out into the future to try to figure out what those things are that will bring you some kind of affirmation, that will give some kind of meaning to your life. You're actually identifying idols you need to put to death.

Jimmy Needham is a local guy. I just love this song. I think he gives us a helpful way for us to think about what those things are. He says, "Anything that I put before my God, anything that I want with all my heart, anything that I can't stop thinking about, anything that I give all of my love…" These are the things you're looking way out into the future, and you're going, "God, I have to have this! I told you I wanted this, and you haven't given it to me yet. I'm going to make it happen."

You're manufacturing your plans, and God is not condemning you. He is not judging you. He is taking a scalpel to your heart. He is going, "Look at how unbalanced and unhealthy that is that you need those things now when I, the sovereign God who takes pride in the very details of your life, just haven't given you those things yet."

Some of y'all legitimately have no clue that when the psalms talk about God being your strength and your shield… Everybody wants him to be their strength. Everybody wants him to be the kind of power and strength and confidence they need to step into today, but I don't think we've scratched the surface of understanding what it means that he is our shield.

He is legitimately protecting us from thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of scenarios that would kill us if we stepped into those things. He is way underneath our plans, but he is also way ahead. Because he is God, he has the privilege and the pleasure of looking into the future and being able to read those things into your life now. He knows!

Part of the reason why our plans aren't coming through is he is protecting us. He is shielding us from things he doesn't want to happen to us. He is underneath, and he is way out ahead. He is looking deep into your heart and way into your future.

3. What are we to do with our plans? I think probably the biggest question we should answer now at this point is what we are to do with our plans. I think verse 3 will help us there, so let's read that. What do we do with our plans? Are you ready for this? It says, "Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established." That's kind of a trick question. What are we supposed to do with our plans? That's flip-flopped, right?

The Bible doesn't say, "Commit your plans to the Lord, and your works will be established." He says, "Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established." It's the best possible outcome for us that he would flip-flop that. The word commit means literally to roll over, to lay on top of, to put your full weight onto something. God is saying if you lay all of yourself, if you commit the full weight of your life to the trust and to the service of Yahweh, your plans will be established.

I mean, that means you would say even today, "Whatever you ask of me, whatever you send to me, whatever you're calling me to do, even if I don't understand that thing, the answer is yes." You're abandoning yourself over to him. Some of you may go, "Well, that sounds really fatalistic, like I'm just lying down, and he is deciding everything." No, they're still your plans. I think Jeremiah can help us with this.

Jeremiah is this Old Testament prophet. He is asked to minister to people who don't want to listen. He is told, "You're going to have to wait a long time, and you're going to see very little fruit." His conversations with God are just epic. I mean, he is emotional. He cries. He complains. He is like, "Help me! God, what are you doing? I don't understand. I don't have the chops for this. Help me figure out what you're doing!"

Talk to him! Have a good, healthy back-and-forth dialogue with him. Talk to him. Bring the desires of your heart to the Lord. You're saying, "This isn't happening. Let me see this." He is a good Father. Watch him shape those desires while it's happening. Commit your life to him while you're doing it. This is the great invitation. You're saying, "I don't understand you, but I trust you." You get to bring your plans before the Lord, and you get to talk.

Talk to him! Have a good, healthy back-and-forth dialogue with him. Talk to him. Bring the desires of your heart to the Lord. You're saying, "This isn't happening. Let me see this." He is a good Father. Watch him shape those desires while it's happening. Commit your life to him while you're doing it. This is the great invitation. You're saying, "I don't understand you, but I trust you." You get to bring your plans before the Lord, and you get to talk.

I learned something in the crucifixion story in Matthew that I had never seen before. I say this in closing. You have Jesus hanging on a cross. He has been crucified. You have Israel's elite. You have the chief priests. You have the scribes. You have the elders. They're sitting there, and they're mocking Jesus while he is dying. They're telling him, "You saved others. You can't save yourself. You say you trust God. Let God deliver you. You're the king. Come down off the cross, and we'll believe."

Their understanding of what a messiah would be was completely different from what the Messiah actually was. They were the ruling class. They had the most to gain. What they're saying is, "You need to go back there. You need to sack Rome. You need to run Rome out. You need to restore Israel to her glory days, the days when the proverbs were written." Basically they're saying, "Give us our plans. Give us better circumstances. Give us the life we wanted."

They had so much to gain in that prayer. Jesus listens to that appeal. In the most loving act in human history, he stays. He stays for them. The most loving act of human history. He sees it through. He purchases for them the best possible thing he could give them, and he doesn't answer their prayers. But he gives them the best possible gift he could give them. That is his life, forgiveness of sin, and nearness and reconciliation back to God.

When they were trying to pull him off the cross to get the things they thought they had to have, he stayed up there. He is listening to them tell him what they think they need. He is giving them what they have to have: his life. His life! What does this mean for us? It means God cares so much about the details of our lives that he will give everything and withhold everything that is necessary to conform us into the life of Jesus.

Yet the gospel says we are free to ask anything we want, assuming you want God to decide if it's good for you or not. It means the offer for him to take control is available for anyone who is coming to realize even this morning how hollow their plans really are. It gives us really good perspective. It gives us really good perspective!

To be a Christian is to say, "You gave yourself totally for me to make me pure, to forgive me of my sins, and for us to be together. Do not let anything come in my way. I couldn't even possibly be satisfied in getting every little dream of my heart if you're not in it. Don't give me something I think I want that's going to kill me. Don't do that!"

To be a Christian is to pray those prayers often. You know, Keller says it so well. God doesn't promise us better circumstances. He promises us a better life, he promises a new heart, that will transform even the most difficult of circumstances into good, even the most difficult seasons of waiting into good. There's no chance that you're going to avoid suffering, so stop trying to step away from it. You're going to step into suffering. I'm not saying to look for it, but when it comes, you're going to have to step into it.

The promise of a newly created heart is that God is going to transform that suffering into a grace and conform you into the life of his Son all the while. What do we do with our plans? Well, we trust this. We trust the gospel, and we get to keep asking and asking and asking because he is a good Father who loves to give good gifts. He loves to give good gifts. Commit your life to Jesus today. Put your full trust in his trustworthiness. The Bible says as a result of that (and this is really cool), your plans, everything he intends for your life, will be established.


Amen and Amen.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I See Scribbles

Ambut uy. Libug pajud kaayo tanan. Murag akong life karon kay series of dots pajud. Murag everything is in a standstill while the people around me are in motion. Murag undefined pa kaayo tanan. Uncertain. Everything is scrambled. Like all this time I was unconsciously building for that* but everything fell apart and crumbled down and I'm just here in all the ruins and the aftermath of it all. Not knowing what and where to start. 

Lord, mao na siguro ni ang giingon nga All I Have Is Christ. You took everything away from me. All your answers was either a "No", or "Just Wait". The thing that I most fervently prayed for was YOUR WILL. And I believe that this is what's happening to me right now. 
But why does it hurt this much? 

Arrogant ra kaayo ko ug proud ug no reverence nga maka-pangutana nimo ana Lord but, you know my heart. Forgive me. Sakit lang jud. 

Pero despite ani tanan Lord. I am putting my trust in You. 
Walang wala najud ko ron Lord. I lift my empty hands. Come fill me up again. Have Your way in Me. I was blind but now I see. My tears, although they come in unexpected times of the day, have continued to clean my eyes to help me focus on YOU. You have took everything that I cling to that would take me away from you. You have "reformatted" my life. Pruned me. Rebuked me. All because You loved me so much.

Now, I will praise Your name Hallelujah. I will lift your Name on high. All I have is Christ. Though you may not calm the storms around me, I will find my rest in you. My wretched soul will continue to Praise you in this storm. And I will still declare and claim Jeremiah 29:11. Because You are not done with me yet. Your faithfulness does not depend on my situation. And whatever you have started with me, you will be faithful to complete it. 

I will be your people. And You shall always be my God.


Saturday, June 14, 2014

Awhile

I quote David Levithan's Lovers Dictionary:

awhileadv.

I love the vagueness of words that involve time. 'It took him awhile to come back' -- it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.
It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instance that made me feel, oh, this could be right, But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that.
Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there's no signal event. There's just the steady accumulation of 'awhile'.”


It has been a long time since I've last posted something here - about a year ago. And a lot has happened. A lot has changed. I want to tell you of it all but with the given limitations of my situation - a ticking internet cafe timer, and a memory that of a goldfish, I cannot narrate it in details. Good thing, there are bullets! 
(Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Since August 2013...)
  • I became a Christian.
  • I finished Research 2. Major Revision paper, Major Revision life (with results worthy of Distinction, all praises and honor be to Christ).
  • Recognition 2014: Best in RLE for Fourth Year, and Excellence in Deportment Awardee (praise God).
  • My Uncle Choy and Lola Merced arrived from States for my graduation, and Jelo's and Fran's as well.
  • I graduated college.(Finally.)
  • I reviewed at Powerhouse and had this year's best 2 months, ever! :D
  • I woke up with a blurry vision, floaters, and seeing "cobwebs". Then I got diagnosed as having Central Retinal Vein occlusion and Glaucoma OU, by an ophthalmologist who would make you second guess his profession judging by his "clinic" at Cebu Doc. Then, for the first time in forever and hope it doesn't happen again, I got 'operated' using LASER, and is maintained by Timolol drops for...well, for ever. (Which God used for me to realize that I should live by FAITH and not by Sight, which is quite clever using it in its literal form, but is really fine if that's what He wills :)
  • I took the NLE last May 25-26. 
  • I realized  I would get bored from a one week vacation - which led me to the next bullet.
  • I applied to different call centers, and was denied by the same call centers.
  • I applied to ESL at CPILS. Got hired. Now undergoing training. And was promised to start teaching next week. (Ambivalence).
  • I learned how hard it is to apply for something completely out of your field!
  • During application days for call centers and ESL, my eyes were becoming sensitive to nurses and their white uniforms. Like I could spot them in a 10-mile radius, or just stare at them walking by and thinking to myself..."wow, my dream uniform, right there.."
  • Ransacked my closet, and my cousins' as well, to look for dresses...et voila, our "dress" code for teaching. (</3)
  • Knew the difference between "cabinet" and "closet", "I don't mind" and "I don't care", even "table" from a "desk". (Like seriously, who would have thought it would be so hard to tell the difference between them...but again, seriously, ask yourself and then tell me it's not hard.)
  • Feeling the feeling of being a student once again, but this time, majoring in English.
  • Did something really stupid. But then learned from it. I hope this time, for good.
  • And now? I'm still waiting for the results, which was said to be released before this month ends.
It's amazing how a year could change a person so much. But I came to know it's not the time, nor the situation, nor the people in your life that changes you. God does. God just uses them as His instruments to make you become more like His Son, Jesus Christ. And as for me, I cannot thank my God for changing me. Even if it means through disappointments, rejections, heartaches, pain, illnesses, and waiting in Faith

2 Corinthians 5:17"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ. He is a new creation! The old has gone, the new has come."

Monday, August 19, 2013

ID: Lost and Found

It was on a Sunday when I found out that my Identification Card, or more shortly called as ID, was not on it's green ID card holder with a sling provided by my school. My initial reaction was shock, of course. I knew how tedious it is when a school property, such as a library card or an ID, would be lost. You'd have to  file an affidavit of loss to an attorney, you'd have to provide a new picture, and the list just goes on and on. I know these stuff because I've experienced accompanying my friends to go through this "legalization" stage of declaring a loss. And in most cases, it isn't just the ID that was lost on the process, along with those would be your time (for studying, perhaps) or a considerable sum of money (for booksales, perhaps).

Anyhow, the difference this time was that, it was my ID that was missing. Most people who know me would probably say I am a sentimental person. And that includes being sentimental to, well, material things. On the back portion of our school ID, it had these series of boxes that corresponds to the Semester and School Year. Every semestral enrollment, we would let the librarians sign the respective box. That would indicate you've been officially enrolled in that semester. I recalled how I made those simple boxes as motivations to really pursue it till the last box. And with every box that got signed in red ink, so does my sentimental value to that ID card - especially now that I am down to my one last box.

But again, on that very morning of a Sunday, it was like I lost a precious thing to me. I thought I was cursed -  with losing ID cards, that is. I lost my ID card back when I was at my last year in high school...the same incident that happened! Tell me I'm not cursed.

But that is not the reason why I composed an entry about my lost ID. This isn't a talk-about-the-weather type of entry.

Going back to that frozen scene of finding out I lost my ID, I then forced myself to recollect and retrace the latest bit of memory I had with it. Was it on the internet shop? Did I left it in my bag? I rummaged but found nothing. I asked the internet shop clerk, they found nothing of sorts. Where could I have left it? I was at wit's end. I was losing hope. I was frustrated with how my memory served me with these stained-glass thoughts. I asked God where I could have put it. I asked Him as if a toddler asking her mother to give her that doll on the toystore...fervently and like losing all hope. I even wanted to curl into a ball, assume a fetal position and just, degenerate.

I prayed to God. I asked Him to help me remember and find my ID. I asked my apologies to Him how I would pridefully show the back portion of my ID so that anyone could see that I have only one unsigned box left. I didn't know losing that school property would offer me so much realization.

I told Him, "Lord, if this is Your will, and that You are telling me something through this situation, please help me understand what it is.". I told Him that.

God really never fails to amaze me. Sometimes, His answers take time, and by time I mean a long time (for the human mind trapped in the space-time continuum). But it could also come in a split second, like when you turn your eyes to the bulletin board of your Student's Affairs Office after you've been denied by your librarians saying they haven't found a card with my face and name on it.

There was it. My name. Under the Found Items section. How silly of me not considering about the Lost and Found Section. But sometimes, silly is all you can be after you've realized how you've become so focused on the problem and overlooking what God is already saying to you.

Another realization will be applied in a romantic way. I already notice eyeballs rolling. Nevertheless, the understanding came up to me. Maybe, my significant other is like my lost ID. I kept on looking for him on all the wrong places, as I did looking for my ID on the internet cafe, and library, and my bag. And because with every search comes futile results, I would resort to doing 'silly' things, and thinking about 'silly' thoughts (Reference note: the 'curling-into-a-ball-and-just-degenerate' part).

But alas, amidst all these things, it is really important to still consult God's guidance. Because He is always telling us something. Asking for His guidance and will isn't the last step, in fact, it is only the beginning. Most people, including myself, miss the second step. And that is to TRUST that He is really guiding us to the right path. It entails us to put our faith on Him that we would soon find what it is that we are missing - just as I have found my missing ID.




Sunday, May 19, 2013

Don't Fall in Love with People Like Me

“Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes

Do not fall in love
With people like me;
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth

Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name

Do not fall in love
With people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold

Do not fall in love
with people like me.
We will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet

We will never learn
how to be soft

We will leave.
We always do.”

— Do Not Fall in Love With People Like Me

Monday, December 24, 2012

Maging Isang Maykatha


"The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes."
- Annie Dillard
The Writing Life


Walang masama sa pagiging isang mambabasa. Ngunit kung hanggang doon ka nalang, parang ang kulang naman ata?

Oo, sinisipsip mo nga ang mga idea na binabasa mo galing sa boses at opinyon ng ibang tao, subalit gugustuhin mo bang hanggang doon ka nalang? Sa pagsisipsip at pangongolekta ng mga idea? 

Isipin mo ito, saan ang sa tingin mo mas malaman mag-pahayag ng chismis? (1) Yung certified hardcore chismosa, o (2) yun talagang pinanggagalingan ng mismong pangyayari sa chismis? Kung pinili mo yung pangalawa, siguro mas komportable kang makinig sa mga nakasulat na salita sa mga pahayagan. Kung pinili mo yung nauna, e siguro alam mo na kung saan patungo ang mga sinasabi ko. 

Ang chismosa kasi, para siyang taong mahilig mag-basa ng mga libro. Binabasa nya at ina-absorb lahat ng sinasabi ng bawat may katha. Pwede siyang sumangayon o sumalungat, ngunit ang dulo dito e siya ang mas maraming back story.

Harayain mo nga, pag ang chismosang yan, natutong magsulat, inilipat ang lahat ng ideyang kanyang nakalap sa bawat librong binasa at hinalo sa kanyang sariling opinyon, et voila, naging isang manunulat.

Siguro ang tunay na kinatatakutan ng lahat ng tao ay hindi ang kamatayan. Kundi ang paglimot. Pagkatakot na ang isang tulad nya na minsang gumala at nagkalat sa mundong ibabaw e maibabaon nalang sa limot. Dahil rin siguro hindi na kailangan mamatay ang isang tao upang magkaroon siya ng gate pass into oblivion. 

Kung naging mambabasa ka lang, sa tingin ko e masla-laki ang tsansa mong manalo ng jackpot prize ng tiket to oblivion. Subalit kung nag-iwan ka ng basura (kahit mangamoy man ito o hindi) at ipapahid mo ito sa isang papel gamit ang nag-tataeng tinta -- nag-iwan ka parin ng palatandaan sa mundo kung gaano ka kagaling maging isang magkakalat.

Ang gusto ko lang iparating e, wag ka lang makontentong maging isang mambabasa. Maihahanlintulad mo ang sarili mo sa isang leecher ng website-pandownload ng mga ripped movies. Wag mong sipsipin at itago at angkinin at ibaon sa limot lahat ng ideya mo at idea ng ibang tao diyan sa utak mo na di kalaunan at aagnasin din pagdating ng panahon. Bumuo ka rin ng sarili mong obra! Magsulat ka. Iparinig mo ang iyong boses sa pamamagitan ng binabasang salita. Mag-iwan ka ng basura kagaya ng mga awtor na kinagigiliwan mong libro. Total, kung self-proclaimed magbabasa ka (at magaling ka sa larangang iyan), isa ka ring certified hardcore chismosa.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Hell Semester [A Teaser Post]

I have been meaning to compose an entry as to the events that has happened to me since the commencement of second semester otherwise known as "Hell Semester". But apparently, I do not have the luxury of time to do so. That does not mean, however, that I will not write about it anymore. Perhaps during the Christmas break (if, of course, we will still have the privilege of enjoying one), you could expect an entry from me.

Until then :)

You Can Never Outgrow God

  Do you think you can outgrow your God? Do you think because your situation now in life is different, feels much harder than those you face...