I’m sorry if you got yourself caught up by the indecisive and impulsive person that I am. I’m sorry that it was your fate that intertwined with mine at some point in the road. Like a stain that leaves an indelible yellow mark as you try to put bleach on it. I”m sorry it had to be me. I’m sorry I pricked you with the thorns on all of the roses you gave me. I’m sorry that I cut you with the jagged edges of that part of my heart that was still left unmended. I’m sorry if I ever ruined a part of you that cannot be undone. I’m sorry I took a portion of you that I cannot give back. I’m sorry I was silent all along. I’m sorry to still bother you despite it all. If I knew it would turn up to be like this, I would never have let you in. If it meant preserving you. And controlling me. And leaving us still whole. Now we’re just not the same people we used to be anymore. A lot has changed – for the better, for the worse? I don’t know which. But in the light of where I am at now, I don’t like the looks of it. I lost a friend. And I don’t think its worth the bargain of the experiences I gained as a consolation to it. I wish I never let you in; if keeping you out meant safety. Safety from the mess that I am. I wish black never blended with white, now all I have is gray. How it pains me to think I am running away from a friend. How cruel could love be when it is shared not at the right time, place, or perhaps, person. I’m sorry we had the misfortune, or the privilege, to share it in that context.

In all of this, I know you might say you have forgiven me. And that you wish to move on from there. And I know it, and I believe it that you really do have forgiven me, even as I write these things to you. Perhaps, all the sorry is not for you, but for me. Perhaps I haven’t totally forgiven myself yet. I took the heartbreaking in so very seriously that I haven’t really totally forgiven myself yet. There’s a hope in me that someday, I’ll learn to forgive myself. I’ll begin to accept that some things cannot be undone anymore, and forgiving doesn’t always mean getting back together. I’ll have to be brave and reason with the blind optimism nature in me. If I am to be an optimist, I should be hoping to accept that life goes on, even after a break up. Whether you did this to the person, or that person did that to you, it’s all the same conclusion: :Life, still goes on. And you just have to keep walking. And you just have to keep on moving forward, because no other road holds more genuine hope than the road ahead.

Prayer
Dear Father, I confess that while I pray for Your Will to be done, I am often afraid of the discomfort this will actually cause. I know that at times Your Will includes pain. When I am hurting physically, emotionally, or spiritually … I search for ways to relieve or escape my pain. The escape becomes my focus as I obsess about how I will solve my problems. I pray to You, Father, to help me really believe that Your way is perfect. Help me to rely on your peace and comfort. I pray in the name of the One who always followed Your will, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say – AMEN!

The Truth

As for God, his way is perfect … He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.  2 Samuel 22:31

We live by faith, not by sight  2 Corinthians 5:7

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: ^1aimmorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  Galatians 5:19-23

Jesus Prays For You

It is an awesome privilege to have someone pray for you.  I pray regularly for the readers of this website and for the staff of writers and technical support personnel, and many who contact us here, but if you wanted someone to pray for you, how about Jesus!   That’s the prayer request list I want on!  The fact is that Jesus does pray for those in the Body of Christ, the church.  In John 17 Jesus prayed to God the Father and said, “I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours“(v 9). “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word” (v 20).  “I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them” (v 26). What an awesome thing to have the Son of God praying for you “For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God’s presence” (Heb 9:24).  God intercedes today in God the Father’s presence for us, on our behalf!  How awesome is our God!   If Christ saw fit to pray, and understood God was sovereign over all things and in all ages, why can we not see the importance of it, regardless of the fact that God is sovereign?  How can we not pray for one another?

Read more here.

Then and Now: After Reading My Earlier Entries re Employment Issues

"O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!" -Romans 11:33

"All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent." -Isaiah 28:29

Always amazed and always awestruck at your twists and turns, Lord. They are too far for me to fully comprehend. Your omniscience in contrast to my finite mind brings me to my knees, makes me at a loss for words (or too humbled to even say anything), and makes me realize how prideful I could be to even stand before you.

Lord, now that another opportunity has opened, where should I go? Which road should I take? I know that all things work together for good Lord, but I only want what you will. Please guide me this time. Help me to be patient and have the heart to trust in Your promptings and timings.

Amen.

We, like Peter, want to do what is right but are not finding the strength. We need to follow God's admonition to keep seeking, keep knocking, keep asking—and He will give us the strength that we need (Matthew 7:7). Prayer is not a magic formula. Prayer is simply acknowledging our own limitations and God's inexhaustible power and turning to Him for that strength to do what He wants us to do, not what we want to do (1 John 5:14-15).

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On Dream 51 and Becoming the Next Action Star

However, in the Bible, the word ambition takes on a whole new dimension: “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands …” (1 Thessalonians 4:11; cf.Philippians 1:17;Ephesians 5:8-10).

Where the world teaches us to go all out to be the best, to have a bigger house, a fancier car, a larger paycheck than our neighbor, the Bible teaches us the opposite: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself” (Philippians 2:3). The apostle Paul tells us, “Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him” (2 Corinthians 5:9 NASB). The Greek word for “ambition,”philotim, means literally “to esteem as an honor.” Being ambitious, in and of itself, is not wrong, it’s what we esteem or honor that can be a problem. The Bible teaches that we should be ambitious, yet the objective is to be accepted by Christ, not by the world. Christ taught us that to be first in the Kingdom is to become a servant (Matthew 20:26-28;Matthew 23:11-12).

Paul once posed an insightful question: “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men?” His answer: “If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). Later, Paul reiterated: “On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts” (1 Thessalonians 2:4). Paul is affirming a truth proclaimed by Jesus Himself: “How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?” (John 5:44). We must ask, what is our ambition: to please God or to please man?

Read more

Lord after reading this, and after pondering and weighing my thoughts and motives.. Lord ganahan gihapon ko mu-work sa "Area 51", Sotto. Since sauna paman jud na Lord. Ni-present lang ko sa ako case Lord but if it is not really Your will..okay rajud Lord. Just help me be strong to accept it. Pero still diha jud ko ganahan magpaka-nurse while naa pako sa Philippines. I-spend akong strength diha... sa masa... sa nakaka-rami... sa mas in need. Please Lord. Consider my appeal. But I recognize Your Sovereignty over all. Hehehehe... Love you Papa God!! Sa December daw Papa huh? ^_^

Wait

"Wait"

a Poem by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.

I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,

The Master said gently,

"Child you must wait."

"Wait"?!, You say, "Wait"?,

my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers,

I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?

Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked,

and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no', to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,

We need but ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

"I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut

And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,

Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night;

The faith that I give when you walk without sight;

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'

Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,

But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you!

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all....is still...wait."

--"Wait" by Russell Kelfer taken from Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake pages 177-178 Copyright 2005

Lord, as of now I'm still waiting for CVGH's call which they say might come on the first week of October. I am unsure of this Lord. Lord, you know that I want to work at Sotto, come December. For reasons like: it compensates well, and that I can learn more there, and I can serve people that really are in need. But if you think my reasons are not for good, and you think they root from something other than what I can identify, please help me to let it go trusting that Your plans and will is greater. I want to obey you Lord. For you know better than I. In fact, you know best.

"A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." -Proverbs 21:2

I thank you also Father God that you are Sovereign in all things (even in those prayers that I fervently ask of), as you have said in your word:

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21 

'Is God really in control? The concept of the control of God over everything is called the “sovereignty” of God. Nothing gives us strength and confidence like an understanding of the sovereignty of God in our lives. God’s sovereignty is defined as His complete and total independent control over every creature, event, and circumstance at every moment in history. Subject to none, influenced by none, absolutely independent, God does what He pleases, only as He pleases, always as He pleases. God is in complete control of every molecule in the universe at every moment, and everything that happens is either caused or allowed by Him for His own perfect purposes.' Read more.

Lord, I just received the reply of my uncle and auntie. Regarding the NCLEX and that Dream 51, I'm still unsure about everything - where to start, where to go from where I am now, etc. But I am sure You have this all figured out Lord, because you are the Alpha and Omega, you hold my Time in your hands. And I will just wait till you press on me your answers. Thank you for the peace that you give me, knowing that even if my situation seems blurry, it doesn't nullify your promises and what you can do for my life. For now please supply me the strength and wisdom as I trust to wait on You.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." -Jeremiah 29:11, KJV

Lord, bahala daghang discouragements akong ma atubang, daghan mga setbacks and waiting period, Lord musalig gihapon ko nga imo kong tabangan ani akong dreams. You know what they are. But help me not to hold dear of them and not let them or my fears overshadow YOU and overpower your voice in my life.

Amen.

Inspirations

I googled "sotto nurse hiring cebu" and clicked on one of istorya.net's threads. After several readings here and there, most entries full of sad and hopeless posts, a ray of light came from this post of a registered nurse apparently now working and based abroad. His experiences speaks so much to me that I think God is telling me something in this. And being the forgetful person that I am, I think it very essential to post this here for further inspirational reference and confirmation in my walk. I quote "The Good$!!!'s link.":

"Kanang nia sa hospital karon utong sa mo ky gamit kaayo ang experience... Take mo ug IELTS unya pasara... Mao na pinaka importante nga exam para sa akoa... If nia ka IELTS unya nia ka experience good to go na... Pakiluoy lang sa imo ginikanan nga mu invest cla nimo mka larga ka ky once nia nka sa gawas dako kaayo ug burak ang nurse... Kanang half a million gasto ma bayaran rna mga 5-6 months if dli ka gastador... If lisod gani try sa Saudi... Ayaw kahadlok anang Saudi basta nia lang ka sa big cities wala na kuyaw... Wala pa tax didto contractual pa diretso ka trabaho... Wala pa tax mka uli pka every year... 

If wala pka hospital experience try lang jud mka ilog ka ug slot bisan volunteer ky sa akong ka batch dri 1 year plus cya volunteer g honor man... 

Last nko post ani nga thread is I think early this year... Pag May 18 nka larga ko dri sa NZ... From May 23 - July 1 g Competency Assessment Program ko... My whole month of June is hell... Halos mka boang ang kamingaw unya ako ra nahabilin sa town ky sa hopital ICU ko gpa clinical placement ky ang 4 ka kuyog nko larga sa NZ tua cla sa resthome in a neighboring town... Tga buntag pirteng tugnawa lakaw ko 25 mins padung sa hospital unya autumn nato... 7am na ngingit pa dri and I have to be in the hospital around 6:45am pra mka apil ko sa hand-over (endorsement). I have to do that 5 days a week for a whole damn month ky puro ko AM shift... Wala ko ka talk ky wala ko roomate... Ang kuyog sa accomodation puro Bombay ug 3 ka Ilonggo... Grabe ang psychological ug emotional strain samot na hapit na winter mka depressed ang mood... After sa ako CAP pag July 1 almost 1 month ko tambay dri but cge jud ko pangapply... Daghan ko g reject but pursige gihapon... Pag mid July g tawgan ko for 1st interview. I have to travel 1 hour and 30 mins to a place I have never been in a hospital that is one of the biggest hospitals in the Southern Hemisphere for an interview. By July 29 g tawgan ko that I got the job. 

Pag August 12 pa nko nadawat ako certificate as a Registered Nurse here in NZ... August 29 supposedly ko magstart but wala pa akong practising certificate... Pag September 5 na jud ko nka sugod as a staff nurse here in Waikato Hospital in Hamilton in the NICU... After 1 month nka adjust nko from an ICU nurse in Cebu to a NICU nurse here... Ako ra male nurse sa unit grabe ka ackward pag sugod pero cge lang ky well compensated man jud... Karon pa nanawag uban hospitals nga for interview ko... Mga 4 na cguro ako nabalibaran nga employed nko...Dili jud all peaches and cream kung mka abroad ka ky lisod jud ug adjust... Ang akoa ra jd experience sa St. Vincent ug sa Minglanilla District Hospital ako g saligan. Out of 20 namo sa bridging course 8 rami ka Pinoy then the rest bombay. Kami 5 ka bisaya nka trabaho na ug 1 ka bombay... 

Pero 3 years experience nko sa Cebu pag 1st kinsenas nko karon pko kagunit ug ingon ani ka dako nga kwarta sa akong tibuok kinabuhi nga ako g hagoan in just 2 weeks... Grabe ka fulfilling jud... 

I am now applying for permanent residency dri...Ayaw mo kawagtangan ug pag laom nga RNs ky believe me kusog pa ug hiring nurses dri sa abroad... 

Grind it out jud ni ang kinabuhi... Ang ako motto sa life sukad nka larga ko is " What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." 

Post ko ani just to share my experience coz 2007 batch ko and apil ko sa mga na apektuhan sa recession ug pag close sa doors sa mga nurses after 2006... 

God bless ninyo tanan..."

Yes. Kakayanin! Lord kaya ni nako basta naa lang ka sa akong side! :)

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21