You Can Never Outgrow God

 Do you think you can outgrow your God?

Do you think because your situation now in life is different, feels much harder than those you faced 5,10 years ago, that his power won’t do anymore?

Do you think that the God you’ve know and loved so much when you were younger, is distant and different now that you’re married and have a family?

Do you think, just because you were single then, God can handle you and your “single” problems; but now you’re married and have a special child, that your God is now too small for your “many” problems?

Do you believe that your problems now with special needs parenting and the future of your kid are too complicated and hard for God?

Do you think he has turned a deaf ear to your problems, and seem cold and distant and hard to reach for you, compared to when it was just the two of you?

Do you think he is not as involved now with you because you have so much on your hands?

Think again. 

Just because you “feel” like he is far away, because you’re drowning with too many things and sometimes all at once, drowning and at the same time feeling like God isn’t responding to you; or if when he is, it feels like it’s because this time you've prayed hard enough, bible studied more solemnly this time, or etc that his response is because of something good you did?

Ayiin, the God you’ve known from all these previous entries here in your younger years is still the same God whom you pray to now that you’re in this chapter of your life. He never changed!

He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His Word hasn’t changed. His truth and promises are still the same. They are yours and for you in Christ! Jesus is not a “was”. He didn’t stay in the grave. He’s risen! And to where you might ask? To sit at the right hand of God. Why? To intercede for us, of course!

Your prayers now are not different from those prayers you prayed before. They may differ in content, and even feel meaty now because it’s not just your own needs you carry to the throne, but all your family’s needs! So yes, they may differ in content and pleas. But they are still handled and are heard by the same Divine Ears and felt by the same gentle and lowly heart. It’s still the same God who listens and hears and answers them. It is still the same God who daily bears our burdens. It is still the same God you know when your heart was full and waiting on him. 

Still the same God who has compassion on you then. Still the same God who made those promises you found comfort in. Familiarity breeds complacency but it doesn’t make them not true. 

Ayiin, pray for fresh eyes. Pray that the promises of God may awaken your dormant heart that is weighed down and numbed by the many cares you have. 

And wait. 

Wait for him. Hope in him. Trust in him. He is still the same God. He is still for you. He is still with you. Every step of the way. In every day. Even unto your old age. 

I may not understand…

 Father God,

I may not understand why you have given us this peculiar blessing of our child having autism but nonetheless Lord we receive it with thankfulness in our hearts because this comes from you so it must be a good thing despite the work it entails. The work indeed brings us closer to you. Of placing us in a position to trust you for the uncertain future ahead. And for leaning on you for our daily need of strength, patience, and perseverance. Putting to test and realizing that the verse “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” is true. Truly Lord it is with such great need that we find ourselves daily at your mercy seat, but all is well because I know Jesus Christ interceding on my behalf, too. I harken the invitation of Hebrews 4:16 “let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Though the enemy assails me and torments me with lies; causes my heart to be overwhelmed with panic and dread, physically and mentally, I know my God is stronger than he who is in the world. He promises comfort to me. He is a refuge from all my troubles. He knows the earthly struggle his believers endure and he takes pity on them. He knows the anxiety that plague this mother’s heart and he invites me to cast my anxieties unto him because he cares for me. 

He says in his word that he gently leads those with young. Like a shepherd who gathers his lambs in his bosom, so shall he also carry me and my child and my family. The Lord is good. I live upon his tender mercies day by day. And his mercies sees me through day by day. 

Nicolo,

I count the days until I have you in my arms again. I will not be afraid because the Lord will be faithful. All the pain and sacrifice I have endured for this will to him not be for naught because he will accomplish what he wants to be done by this. Even the faulty decisions of man could not limit nor alter God’s grand design. It is not something that he is surprised. He is not surprised when by my first born child’s special gift of Autism. He is not surprised that we are far apart now. He is not surprised by our strange and unconventional family situation. He understands our motives. He is merciful to our ways. The Lord will portion to us what he wills and he will enable us to bear that portion by his grace. 

Lord, I am indeed suffering. But all suffering is not for nothing if it comes from your all-powerful and loving hand. 

2024

 Hi Blogger. Wow, I'm still amazed that you're still here.

I don't know where to start. To say a lot has happened is an understatement. My mind is in bits and pieces. I'll try to lay out my thoughts and vexations here as best as I can. 

Nicolo

Nicolo is now going 3 years old. But I feel like I missed a year of him. Last December, after almost a year of deliberation, my husband and I made a decision to leave him under the care of my mom in the Philippines. It still pains my heart but I remind myself we made that decision for the best of our family and for Nicolo.

Family life is not easy here in Vermont. Two full-time working parents and a toddler, in a place that's winter and snowing most part of the year. Work takes a good chunk of our energy, and we feel like Nicolo only gets what's left of us. We have no family close by to help. Nicolo rarely has interaction with others except the 2 days he is on daycare, and a couple of hours on Playworld (a kids' gym free admission). We see that it clearly is taking a toll on his development. Nicolo is delayed in more areas in his development, in speech and social skills. I still wait for the day to hear him say "Mama" or "Papa" to us, and he's now going 3.

And then there's the scare that he might be on the spectrum, too. I am just thankful to God that we are able to send him to therapies (he is seeing Occupational Therapy, and will start with Speech this week, at 2.7 years old). I am also thankful to God that by some miracle, our schedule to see a Developmental Pediatrician got bumped up to months earlier, so instead of this August, he will be seen on March. So I praise God for that.

It is hard. My heart breaks. I lose sleep, I wake up in the middle of my sleep and there are times I feel like a train of thoughts just rams my head. Is that what panic attack is? In one of those moments I was thankful to God for one of my ates in our Thursday Ladies DGroup. God really knew I needed someone to remind me of His goodness and promises that he allowed me to have that conversation with my ate.

I don't know what awaits for us. All my strivings and sacrifices I offer it to God. I am counting the days until we get reunited again and be a complete family. 

I am also continually praying for Nicolo and his wellbeing. I trust the Lord that nothing surprises him, and that he has already planned out our lives before they came to be. I can trust in his goodness and faithfulness. He cares for me and Nicolo more that I can. 

Whatever they find out, I am confident that God will supply all our needs in Christ Jesus. ASD or not, I believe that God is our God and he never changes. In this life, sufferings are paired with God's mercies. Jesus came to earth and felt the sufferings we feel right now that makes me identify with him and he with us. So he knows. I am confident he knows and he cares. He invites me to take his yoke upon him, and learn from him, for his yoke is easy, and his burdens are light. Though my heart breaks because of failed expectations of what I think a child should be, Jesus invites me to see that everything that comes out of God's hands is good. Jesus taught me to pray as he did in the garden of Gethsemane, as I await for March 7th, as I wait for Doc Baylon's assessment of Nicolo, that “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me—nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42).

I came across this quote from Susannah Spurgeon that has given me comfort.

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Directly from the Father’s Hand 

Psalm 31:15

Why need I trouble or tremble?

That great, loving, powerful hand keeps all the events of my life sealed and secure within its almighty clasp, and only He, my Maker and Master, can permit them to pass from His keeping and be revealed to me one by one as His will for me. What a compassionate, gracious arrangement!

How eminently fitted to fulfill that sweet promise of His Word, “Thou shalt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee!” If we fully believed this, we should be absolutely devoid of the care that corrodes and chafes the daily life of so many professing Christians.
Not one or two important epochs of my history only, but everything that concerns me—joys that I had not expected; sorrows that must have crushed me if they could have been anticipated; sufferings that might have terrified me by their grimness had I looked upon them; surprises that infinite love had prepared for me; services of which I could not have imagined myself capable—all these lay in that mighty hand as the purposes of God’s eternal will for me.
 
But, as they have developed gradually and silently, how great has been the love that appeared, enwrapping and enfolding each one!

• Has not the grief been measured, while the gladness has far more abounded?
• Have not the comforts and consolations exceeded the crosses and complaints?

Have not all things been so arranged, ordered, undertaken, and worked out on our behalf that we can but marvel at the goodness and wisdom of God in meting out from that dear hand of His all the times that have passed over us?

You agree with me in all this, do you not, dear reader?

Then, I pray you, apply it to your present circumstances, however dark or difficult they may be. They have come direct from your Father’s hand to you, and they are His dear will. 

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Avant Contract Completion

March 2021 was when I started my contract with my agency Avant. By the grace of God, I already only have a couple of hours left out of the 5200 hours. Praise God.

Life Update

 It has been over a year since I made an entry here. Motherhood and homemaking has made me very busy, that on top of having a full-time job as a nurse. To have the free time to write here is a God-given luxury courtesy of our "online babysitter" Miss Rachel's Songs For Littles on YouTube TV. 

So how am I holding up, you might ask? I am trying. Some days are good, other days are hard. But isn't that what life is about, right? Whether you're a single woman or a homemaker. 

Nicolo is 14 months old now. I know. I speak like those typical moms who count their children's ages in months and not years. 'Oh my baby is now 18 months'. In my mind I would be like, 'Cool. Thanks for giving us a math problem.'. Funny how I do that too, now. So yes, Nicolo is now 14 months. 

A little over a year and I cannot believe how much he's grown. For someone so little, Nicolo is such a powerhouse. He's learned how to walk (during our 3 weeks stay in the Philippines he did). Oh yes, we went home home for 3 weeks to have our families see Nicolo for the first time. (I would have wrote a different entry on that if I only had the time). He is also perpetually drooling; almost everything he holds he puts into his mouth, and he is a very picky eater (to my dismay, but not a shocker, because I was too when I was his age). 

I would finish this entry but apparently the little monster wants a bottle now -- he looks cranky. I better go.

Nicolo Immanuel's First Month

 From an anxious new mom

Our son celebrated his one month two days ago. It has been a month of sleepless nights and sleepy days, of patience being tested, emotions all over the place from postpartum blues, and how a single smile from my little one can alleviate all those bad moments of parenthood. The first month of motherhood has radically transformed the three of us. My husband learned to increase his patience, I learned to not be as selfish as I am, all of that as our little Nicolo is also bombarded with learnings in this new environment outside the womb. In all of that, I learned just how inadequate we are as parents, but God couldn't have mistaken to entrust us to be Nicolo's parents. He simply can't be wrong. This is all part of his great and unfathomable wisdom.

To quote and paraphrase a devotional I read:

The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.  (Psalm 121:8)

Ninth Month Thoughts

This week marks the 9th month of me carrying baby Nicolo in my tumtum, and with that, how faithfully God has carried us as a family all those months.

My mind drifts back to that time at Ecodorm when our bags are already packed for Bohol and like a last minute decision I told Nico I needed to pee. I went to that small bathroom we had in our little boarding house where Nico and I stayed. I wanted to pee before we make that long trip, I thought. And I thought, hey I still have one pregnancy test kit left, I might as well use it. I have done it a couple of times in the past few weeks, mostly out of curiosity, especially after I received our diagnosis of PCOS. We thought it would come out negative, just like it always has. We were not prepared to see what we saw.

Two red lines. Very clear. 

Nico must have took a video of it, I can't recall exactly. What I do vividly recall is us hugging each other and me shedding a tear from emotions unexplained by words. Ambivalence but primarily fear.

Naturally, I was afraid of what will happen in the future. Nico must be, too. 

December 20, 2020. I will never forget that day because the devotional I had that morning was from Matthew 1:23:

"Behold, the virgin will hold in womb, and will bring forth a son, and they will call His name Immanuel" which is, being translated, "God with us."

It's as if God knew that we will find out today that I am with child, that he knew we will be overwhelmed with fear, and that His Presence will address that fear. "God with us" -  Immanuel.

It is only fitting to give the baby that name - Immanuel - to remind us that no matter what happens, God will be with us.

And he has. During the whole 9 months, he has been with us. Those moments when I had to leave for Florida, the trip going to the US, all the pregnancy woes, the moments when I am overwhelmed at work, and the endeavors my husband has to go through: Jesus has been with us through it all.

I can be assured that in my labor and delivery, God will be with us; in Parenthood, God will be with us, in raising Nicolo, in our marriage, in every moment of our lives, God will be with us. He is Immanuel. Jesus will be with us.

Though I am afraid of what's to come, nothing comforts me from the fact that Jesus is with us. I have His word to remind me. And as if that is not enough, Nicolo Immanuel will remind me. 

All of Our Tomorrows

At this time, I am now in my 32nd week of pregnancy with Nicolo. By God's grace, I carried him from the Philippines, to Florida, then to Vermont. And though the Lord has been so faithful to us, the carnal man in me still makes me afraid of the thought of what might tomorrow bring. My husband could attest to that, too, as sometimes when at night before we sleep when we have those sleepy conversations of how our day is etc, we share the shudder of all that is parenthood.

Last May we celebrated Mothers' Day, and yesterday was Fathers' Day. Those days did not mean much to us as it did this year. For it only rubbed the fact that in a few weeks' time, we are going to be Mom and Dad to baby Nicolo.

I laughed at my husband's reaction the other day when I was unpacking the items we bought from Walmart for baby's arrival. He acted terrified and we both laughed while I removed all the tags and have the baby stuff be ready to be laundered. It was a momentous feeling for him too as yesterday, being Fathers' Day, was the day he set up Nicolo's bassinet. He said he shed a tear after doing that, saying it all seems so surreal. Baby clothes, burp cloths, diapers and wipes, teeny tiny mittens, caps and socks, oh, being able to purchase and actually have these baby stuff in our hands, I cannot accurately describe the feeling.

The question that comes to our mind every now and then is, are we even ready to be parents? We have only been husband and wife for 9 months, and in two months' time, we'll be assuming new roles as parents. But surely the Lord's ways are not our ways, his times are best. 

That is why, the title for this entry is borrowed from Sovereign Grace Music's new song, All Of Our Tomorrows. 

"When winter makes us reminisce
Of warmer days so distant now
Of cherished saints the sun once kissed
Whose beauty passed behind the clouds
Let all our fond and longing tears
Remind us we are pilgrims here
We trust You, Sovereign of our years
With all of our tomorrows."

We do not know what tomorrow brings, but we can trust God for all of our Tomorrows.

New Life at Vermont

I would have told you I was writing this in some fancy yet also quaint coffee shop in Cebu City sipping my favorite salted caramel frappucino, but no, I am not. One because I am not in Cebu City anymore, and (2) I am not supposed to drink caffeinated beverages now.

I am writing this entry after months of hiatus, in our humble apartment here on a small city of northeastern part of the United States, called Newport. Not only that,

• I am happily married now to the man whom I call my best friend.
• Three months after the wedding, we have been gifted by God with the news that I am indeed pregnant despite of me being diagnosed with PCOS.
• Four months after the wedding, we both migrated to the United States. I stayed for 6 weeks in Florida for training while he stayed with his aunt at New Jersey.
• Last March 2021, we then moved to Newport, Vermont where we are now working as RNs in different healthcare institutions.

Needless to say, God has been so good to us. The journey was not easy to say the least, you know that. We both waited for more than three years for this. A lot of heartaches in between and some challenges here and there. But it is true that those who wait for the Lord will really see His goodness in the land of the living. 

Though I waited for so long, I realized now why it was so. When I met Nico, it was the resolution of all my fruitless searches. All those years of heartaches and reverberating questions of "why" and "how long" now seemed to make sense. Praise is all I can say for the God who has orchestrated all things beautifully in His time.

2020: Fortune-Tellers Are A Hoax

Boasting About Tomorrow 

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil." (James 4: 13-16)

Hiya folks, whoever is reading this right now. If there is anyone, consider this my warmest hello to you.

It is mind-blowing how a lot (and I mean A LOT) can happen in just a few months. And by a lot I mean: a change in my line of work, a person who I did not expect to mean SO MUCH to me become my boyfriend, all of that under the backdrop of a viral pandemic of a global scale that has sent every country in quarantine for a few months (still is) that might also change the course of life for the human race as we know it. I'll break them down for you in the next bits.

As some of you know, I have now put to rest wearing my all-white hospital uniform and scrub suit for a while as I have ventured into a new line of work that is Conduent. Flashback November of last year, after months of being despondent for how slow the turn-about of my US application and the increasing pressure at work because of the severe understaffing situation at the ICU, I made the heavy decision (and after much prayer), to resign from work. I had no intentions at all to apply for a new job, let alone in the sorts of Conduent. I was blindly optimistic that things would turn out for the better come December of 2019. 

But as with what the verse above tells us, we never know what awaits us in the future. The visa bulletin, instead of keeping up the pace, has retrogressed to almost more than a year. And it has been like so for months on end. I was at the deepest moment of my life then. I thought I could not sink any deeper. But then, my relationship with a distant friend of mine whom I have been talking to all these years has turned sour as the months passed by. When it rains, it pours. Remembering all those things, I cannot imagine where I would be if God has not kept me sane with his steadfast love and mercy. Lamentations 3 has been like my hope-sustainer during those times. God's word has been my anchor through life's greatest storms. The goodness of God being my comfort and assurance that this will all come to pass.

And it did.

Working at the company, God has provided for us bountifully. The Lord has been so gracious to us. I have been able to provide for the needs of my family using the strength and skill that the Lord has given me. With all that he has given, I am careful to give him back every praise and thanks. With the sweet reminder of his word regarding material riches of this world:

"Do not trust in extortion, or take pride in stolen goods

though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them." (Psalm 62:10)

Not only that, God has given me a kind of love that I could only say it is by grace. By grace, because I don't deserve it at all. It came at the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place, and from the most unexpected person. His persistence and perseverance countered my hesitations and reservations. He climbed the walls I put up. He cared for the people I care for. He made it clear that his intentions for me is serious and I admired him for that. God has taught me a lot of things in our friendship-turned-relationship. I came to know about sin and grace, about forgiveness, about what being salt and light meant, about what it means to be a light of the world, and how deep the mercy and grace God has for sinners like me in Christ Jesus. I thought I knew a lot of theology but applying it into practice with another sinner who is also in need of Christ just as much as I do is a whole different thing. I get to practice that everyday with Nico.

As it is, the Philippines is currently on the 4th month of quarantine due to Coronavirus-19 (COVID-19). The world has changed a lot ever since it was declared a pandemic sometime on March 2020. We started working from home. Social distancing. Non-essential businesses closed. We are fined for not wearing a mask and for not bringing quarantine passes when going out. I don't know what this would mean for us on a personal level, like our applications to the states, and the world as a whole. If there is anything the last few months of 2019 and the rest of 2020 has taught me, it is that you can never foretell what the future holds. But praise God, no matter what happens, He is still in control of everything. No matter how the nations are in scramble, God is still in control. The Author of the universe, HE who holds the stars in their place, who sets up rulers and takes them down (Daniel 2:21), sits enthroned on the heavens and laughs and scoffs at those who device plans in vain (Psalm 2:1-4). The Holy God who hates sin and loves righteousness, made a way for us sinners to be reconciled in peace with Him by providing for us His Son as a perfect sacrifice, that those who believe in Him will not perish with this world, but insted have eternal life.

The worldhas always been in its weird state already since the Fall of mankind to sin and it has been a downhill ever since. The year 2020 only made it even stranger. With all that being said, a quote from one of my favorite authors, CS Lewis, who was also the author of Narnia comes to my mind:

"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

Truly, there are far better things waiting for us in Heaven. Christ paid a lofty price for us to be admitted there. It took his own flesh and blood, the Son of God, died a humiliating and excruciating death, on a cross, took our sin upon his shoulders and paid it once and for all. For what? For many reasons but also this: John 14 starting at verse 1:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it weren't so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

 Reader, are we all looking forward to this promise of our savior Jesus? Where are you banking all your hopes in? Remember, this world is perishing, together with it those who reject the salvation from sin that Christ offers. Like what the above texts tell us, we don't know when our time on earth is up. Are we ready to face our Maker? The only way to be ready is to repent (and keep repenting) and put away your trust in your own self-righeousness and place all hope of forgiveness unto His Son as our savior now. 

When The Going Gets Tough

It is often easy to follow God when things are going well, when we don’t really have much to sacrifice, when nothing much is really required of us. But to follow God when all comforts are removed, when there are no visible reassurance, when it takes walking by faith and not by sight — that is the real test of Christian faith and maturity.

How much do you trust God? You have walked with him long enough to know his character. He is flawless, thrice Holy, sovereign, good.

What tests of faith are you being subjected to by the Almighty One today? Is it waiting for a response to your prayer for a spouse, visa, salvation of loved ones, victory over indwelling sin? Take heart, dear saint. He who saved you is faithful to preserve you. Though dark and full of sorrow our path of pilgrimage here in this world, he will accomplish all his purpose in it.

He will never waste a tear, he will never waste a hurt. Remember his past deliverances (Psalm 77). He is a rewarder if those who stand firm till the end. It is certain. He will be glorified in everything and in all his ways. For all his ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30).

Rejoice, soul, rejoice in your God. He is not tyrannical in giving you afflictions of waiting without harvesting something good from it. Stand firm in his steadfast love. His mercies will see you through.  Praises will come out from your lips when once it was dry. Though it seem slow, wait for it. It will surely come.


“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

More Testings, More Grace

Dear Lord,

Father God, you have been so faithful to me, all these years of my life. Lord, I rejoice in your sovereignty, in your faithfulness, in your grace and mercies that follows me every waking day. Though I am a sinner through and through, yet this presses me on to know more about Christ and my deep need for him.

Now Lord, the year is almost over. And yet I rejoice in the truth that a day with you is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day. I can rest upon thy sovereignty and goodness all the days of my life. Like the Shepherd’s Psalm, you will protect me and sustain me until you call me home.

In the midst of the waiting, Lord I have grown so much in grace. You have sanctified me with your hand; you have drawn me nearer to you. The greatest thing I’ve gained isn’t gaining what I was praying for, but in the lessons I gleaned while going through it. You have revealed yourself more to me through your word and that is more than I thought I ever needed.

Thank you Lord for everything. Keep sanctifying me Lord, for your glory. Thank you for everything that I have in Christ.

Though you have chastised us Lord, you are merciful.

“He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever.” –Psalm 103:9

“Then you will say on that day, "I will give thanks to You, O LORD; For although You were angry with me, Your anger is turned away, And You comfort me.” – Isaiah 12:1

“I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me – the breath of man that I have created…” -Isaiah 57:15-16

“I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace, to those far and near,” says the Lord. “And I will heal them.” – Isaiah 57:18

Comfort in the God who Knows

The text that I am now reading in my devotionals in the New Testament is from John 5, the story about the invalid man who spent many years by the pool but was later on healed by Jesus . Beginning on the first verses the story goes:

"Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by fie covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie - the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?'" (John 5:1-6)

I will stop there for now. As I was meditating upon this story, and I've heard this story many times, I got curious what that whole concept of 'healing pool' meant. Some versions of the text said something about an angel would come and stir up the water and the first one to get into the pool would be the one who will be healed.

Making a mental picture of the scene, two things come to my mind: 1. Was this "angel" who stirred the pool for healing one from by God? 2. How pitiful this disabled man's situation is, all those 38 years, waiting beside the pool for healing, and yet still nothing. I could picture the pool as very dirty, from the fact that it is a public pool and is filled with the sick. I could only imagine what this man had to go through everyday for all those years, waiting for a miracle.

When I tried to search for answers to my first question in the hopes that I could glean more from the story than my personal study, I came across an article from desiringGod.com about it.

Pastor John Piper from his sermon in 2009 said, "Jesus knows you perfectly, inside and out, all you have ever felt or thought or done." He adds the scripture verse from Psalm 139:2-4, "You discern my thoughts from afar... Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, you know it altogether."

I had to pause for a moment to let that sink in.

Just a few verses in could do so much to me in reminding me of who God is. I never thought that even just one of His attribute -- being omniscient, all-knowing brings such great comfort to me. Wow. God knows! He. Knows. The Creator of the whole universe, the most Holy God, the Almighty One. God himself. God. Knows. He knows of every struggle I'm in, be it with sin and temptation, God knows every longing I have, God knows every desire I have, God knows the pain I feel, He knows everything. If I just stop right there and savor that truth, try to wrap my mind around it, to fathom what it all means, and in the end bank on it, and with all my heart believe it, what great Comfort it surely brings to me.

Whenever the feeling of sadness looms over me, one of the things that bring me comfort and relief is when I tell someone about it. Usually a friend, someone I trust deeply to give me scriptural advice and pray for me. I don;t know but there is something distinctly comforting in being able to tell another soul what you are going through even if their understanding is limited, and that they could not fully understand your situation. The fact that someone listens and nods and is there for you makes you feel you're not alone. It lessens the burden you're in.

How much more with God, right? BUT best of all, it doesn't just stop with him knowing everything. He's not only the all-knowing, powerfully omniscient, "my-thoughts-are-not-your-thoughts-my-ways-are-not-your-ways" God, he's also the God whose thoughts are higher than your thoughts, whose ways are higher than your ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and as if that is not enough, he goes on further to say: he CARES for you. Jesus gives us this invitation to cast all our anxieties on him because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). To a weary soul carrying a heavy heart this can only be like an oasis in a vast desert, a cool drink to a travelling pilgrim under sun-parched lands.

Psalm 9:10 says "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." It is vital that a Christian grow in the knowledge of who God is to better respond to him (and to situations) rightly. The more we understand about God, the better equipped we are in dealing with the lies the enemy throws at us. This is best done by regularly being in His Word.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of God's word in a my life. The Psalmist said it is a lamp upon thy feet and a light unto thy path. If God's word is pictured to be a light for the path, and Christians are expected to be the light of the world, then we as people who know God through Christ (and the only way to know God is through Jesus Christ - John 14), should be more zealous in sharing the light of Christ to those who are lost in the darkness that is in the world.

Going back to that story, we learn that in the last verses, Jesus not only healed that man for him to be relieved of his physical illness, but he commanded him to "Stop sinning, or something worse may happen to you."

In the end, God is not only after our physical healing as he is to our spiritual healing. HE came to heal the world of the greatest illness we have, which is sin. Sin has infected everyone of us that apart from Christ, we will limp our way towards hell. There is more healing in Christ’s blood for Sin than what the pools of Bethesda claims to offer. Sadly, this truth is watered down today. The reality that most people, even some preachers, are too afraid to talk about. Sugarcoating the gospel (the good news of Christ's salvation), thereby making little of what Jesus had done on the cross by paying for our sin and reconciling us back to God, they are bringing more souls to destruction with their sweet talk that hell is not real (and that we can be cleansed by other means apart from the blood of Christ, such as purgatory, alms, indulgences, certain rituals, etc) and heaven can be achieved here on earth. God knows us and cares for us. He is patient with us, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. There is so much problem in this world but it all boils down to the source of it all: Sin. God's word said: No one is righteous, no not one. We cannot save ourselves from our sin. Only Jesus can. And by dying on the cross in our place, our sins are imputed upon him and he nailed it to the Cross once and for all. That those who believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life. He lived a perfect life so his righteousness could be ours before the Holy Father.

Unless God gives us a new heart of flesh to replace our hearts of stone we cannot accept this message. So I'm praying now to everyone who gets to read this, We cannot be after the healing and reject the Healer if we are to be genuine towards him. God cannot be mocked. He gave us his only begotten Son, place your faith in him. He will give you a regenerate heart as He will sustain you to walk in holiness everyday becoming more like him, first, by doing what he commanded the healed man to do in John 5:14.

Christ in the Old Testament

After going through months of gloom and despondency, the Lord has graciously lifted my spirits up with news regarding my application to the United States. More than that, he has answered prayers in regards to my devotionals on the Old Testament (OT).

I am now in the last book of the Pentateuch, Deuteronomy. From Genesis up to here, I can only thank God on how he opened my eyes to give me a glimpse and better understanding of his character. Psalm 9:10 says that those who know God's name will trust in him, for he has never forsaken those who seek him. It is indeed fundamental and vital for a Christian's to walk in maturity to know who God is. The more we know about God, the more we gain insight into our total depravity as sinful and undeserving men, in contrast to a holy and merciful God.

When the Lord impressed upon me to do another cover to cover read on Old and New Testament (NT), I recall praying that he let me see Christ in each word, each verse, each story starting from Adam to Moses (as I am currently in Deuteronomy). To live and breathe and feed in the Scriptures was what I was after in starting this journey to read the bible from cover to cover again. It will do me no harm, and nothing is worth more my time and effort than to spend it re-reading God's Word over and over again till he calls me home.

True enough he has been gracious in answering that prayer to see Christ clearly. I can see Christ in parallel to the events that have been written in the Old Testament. Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son, Isaac mirrors that of God the Son and God the Father. The Israelites's rebellion and stubbornness after the LORD has mightily delivered them from the bondage of Egypt towards the Promised Land speaks of our hearts towards God today. The circumcision of flesh that was decreed in the OT in parallel to the circumcision of the heart in the NT. The whole OT is indeed a preparation, a sort of reflection, of God's overall redemptive plan to save his elect through Jesus Christ.
Salvation from God's wrath and justice is all by grace (meaning, you cannot work for it lest ye boast before God of your merits to attain such a great thing), through faith (that whosoever 'believes' = have faith in him, will not perish but have everlasting life) in Christ Jesus.

What greater thing God has given us than in giving us His only Son as a perfect atonement for our sins? Left alone to ourselves sinning our way to hell, and he would not be loving. But then again, simply forgiving us who are trespassers of his holiness without any sacrifice or payment of fines would make him an unjust God.

And I tell you, you will want that God be a Just God. Why?

Imagine if your loved one was brutally murdered. Naturally, you file a case against the murderer and that murderer is now on trial on the court for his crime. In the court room, Although the murderer is surely guilty of the crime, he now tries to plead his case to the judge and say, "Oh judge, forgive me for my crime. I know killing another person is wrong but please forgive me for I will not do it again!". Then the judge acquits the criminal because of this plea. Now, what would you think of that judge? You would say he is corrupt, he is unjust, you would plead that he be removed from office! You would cry out Justice must be served!

We have sinned against God and his laws in a similar way that we have murdered another being. All sin against him is a trespass against his holiness, against his perfect morality. We are, in the sense, that murderer standing before the judge on the trial court. Someone must pay the price of the committed crime. And indeed Someone had! Jesus Christ on the cross! He paid the high and lofty price we could only spend eternity in hell paying for if we try to pay it our selves.

There is a popular saying that goes around these days and it says: God will make a way.

I say, oh Yes! He did make a Way.

God made a Way, in fact, the Only Way (John 14) for us to be reconciled to him...and it is through His Son, Jesus Christ.

When Jesus died on the cross He bore our sin for us and nailed it to the cross. So that God the Father, who is thrice holy, almighty, all powerful, all encompassing, can administer his Justice against sin (because we have sinned against him) and he poured out every ounce of Justice and wrath against sin IN CHRIST when He died on the cross. It is paid in full! God is Love, and God is Just, and God is Holy. These are all satisfied in the Cross.

Now, like the Roman jailer who was guarding the Apostle Paul and Silas in prison trembled and asked, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"

Their reply was "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved - you and your household."

Without Christ's perfect sacrifice on the cross, all that's left for us would be a fearful Judgment of a Just God in the end.

Praise be to God for Jesus Christ.

Romans 15:4 says,  

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."

Surely, our hope is found and cannot be undermined when we remember what Christ has saved us From, and what Christ has saved us For.

Mountain Highs Only? No! But Also In Valley Lows

I cannot deny it. There is nothing I could hide from the Lord. I am still feeling what David must have felt when he talked about being in the slimy pit, the mud and mire, of which God had rescued him from. I am still in that often inexplicable pit of despair and despondency.

Despite of this, the Lord has never failed to aid me with his promises in his Word. He uses countless resources to reach me, such as Desiring God Facebook page, just to remind me of his promises. Coincidentally, I am now in chapter 3 of Numbers in my Old Testament series and it speaks volumes to me.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfil? (...) The LORD their God is with them, the shout of the King is among them. God brought them out of Egypt, they have the strength of a wild ox. There is no sorcery against Jacob, no divination against Israel; It will not be said of Jacob and of Israel, 'See what God has done!'."

(Numbers 3:19-23)

I am composing this entry to tell you, and myself, that God is still God even if you're feeling down and out from this earthly journey. God is still God, he is still sovereign over our every emotion that the enemy could use to lie to us and distort who God really is. In the valleys of our Christian walk, look to him, make his promises your stepping stones, continue to press on to know him most especially in times like this, they are making in us Faith - a thing much even more precious to God than fine Gold. Do not despise these moments. If tears be shed, and muscles be wasted from physical and emotional weakness, rejoice that your soul is well secured by Someone much stronger than you. Hope in him. He is greater than every thing you thought would give you joy. HE makes it by default that HE is our greatest Joy, and that is for our benefit and his glory, because HE will never leave us when all else does. HE will never forsake us when all else does.

When God allows us to be tested in the valley, he will provide us with Strength from the Holy Spirit, the same strength of Christ when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane, to drink this bitter cup so we can first handedly say that we have Tasted and Seen that the Lord is Good. Keep pressing on. Humble yourself at his feet. He is faithful.

God is God in the mountain highs AND of the valley lows. He is so transcendent, the earth is his, there is no state of a person washed and redeemed by Christ that is not loved and known by the Father. For "even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." May these promises in Psalm 139 give us comfort in the valleys of our lives.

 

Finding Joy In The Midst of Joylessness

Joy In Christ Alone

Realizations of a 'momentarily' joyless Christian.

“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all the day. Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me. There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.” (Psalms 86:3-8, ESV)

Twenty five years. That's how long I have been a pilgrim on this earth. In the recent years of my journey, particularly a few months before my 25th birthday, I'm at a standstill: a failed relationship, waiting indefinitely for the Lord to act on my visa application, and a feeling of humdrum at work...I could honestly say that I have no joy in my heart right now. At least that’s what I feel. But as the Lord removed certain people in my life, He revealed to me how I was already primarily getting my joy out of that relationship instead of Him alone. The Lord is actually doing me a favor by doing that, although it hurts so much at first. No pruning is ever pleasant as the Bible says.

I find comfort in the words of David in Psalm 86 right now. I could feel his anguish as he penned this Psalm to the Lord, depicting his dependency upon God by calling upon him, and even crying out to him. I praise God that even as I go through periods of valleys in my life, I can cry out every pain to a God who listens and comforts.

Paul Washer once said in one of his sermons, “Jesus Christ promises us two things: Eternal life and a Cross to die on.” That is truly spot on. It reminds me of Jesus’s words in John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” It should not be a surprise to a genuine Christian when he undergoes trials in this world, as though a strange thing is happening. In the words of Peter who is arguably Jesus’ closest disciple, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:12-13)

It should be pointed out though, that a Christian’s motivation to go on from this ordeal should not be the hope of better days here on this earth, or that the ordeal may lessen in degree..no that is not what exactly our Lord has promised. For if it is not in his good will that the yoke be lifted, it would only create frustration out of a bitter heart towards the Lord.

The motivation for a Christian to go on then must be from from a heart that longs to follow the will of his Master; to glean on as much as she can from this predicament the Lord has set her to go through. And go through she must, albeit not alone. For she could expect the same Spirit that was with David during the times he wrote the Psalm, especially Psalm 86, will also be with her.

The Lord is continually teaching me that true joy is not always relevant to the situation one is in. Everything else around you could fall apart, but if you have Christ with you, he will prove enough. So I say this together with David that indeed there is no good thing apart from the Lord, and he makes known to me the path of life; in His presence there is fullness of joy; at His right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16).

In the times of waiting and uncertainty, God has stripped me off from everything I thought I needed, and gave me more than what I could ask for summed up in these three words: MORE OF HIM..For my joy is in my God.

 “Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments.” (Habakkuk 3:17-19, ESV)

Why Are You Sending Me There?

"Why are you sending me to America, Lord?" My heart was unsettled by this question. "It is crucial for me to know your purpose for sending me there, Lord. What is it?"

A few Saturdays back during our small group meeting, we were exhorted by our leader that today's session would just be dedicated to us spending time with the Lord one on one, to have a  heart to heart talk with the Lord. At first I thought, spend time with God? Isn't that what I always do? So we were told to find a quiet place somewhere and meditate on the Lord and in his word. With our bibles on hand we did what we were told. I was eyeing that place near the stage but found another friend heading that way too so I politely gave way and headed to another direction.

I was looking around and found a vacant spot near the exit door to the terrace of our church. I positioned myself in such a way that I faced the glass door which has the view overlooking the city. I noticed a familiar view. This place had the exact same view I had when I received the news that I passed the board exams for nursing 4 years ago. Now, I am here once again, looking at the same view I gazed at that evening, just a floor lower now. As I sat there, I thought of God. I pondered on him like he was just beside me, like a friend. I thought, Wow God, this is it. Your faithfulness has carried me this far. I hold two licenses now, one was what you gave me four years ago which made me practice as nurse in the Philippines, and the other, to practice in the United States. Both licenses are wrought about by grace, both licenses carry testimonies of your goodness and unfailing provision. Four years ago I have found you faithful to give me that which I have prayed for so long, to be a nurse. Right here, in this very sanctuary, right where the Gospel also finally made sense to me and I received Christ as my Lord and Saviour. This was a fateful place indeed, to sit here now when I'm at the threshold of a new life waiting for me in America, with the man whom God has given me to love and cherish, and if He wills, to serve the Lord with him in ministry as a helpmate.

But is that all the reason why you're bringing me there? To follow the footsteps of typical of that of an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker)? That is, to work as a nurse, marry a godly man, have a family of our own, send money back to my homeland, retire, ..., die? The thought alarms me. No that cannot be it. I refuse to live my life like a standardised formula for moneymaking. The wordiness of that formula is a slap to 1 John 2:15-17. I refuse to simply conform.

Surely the Lord has greater purposes for me to coming to America. But What could be It?

My eyes were looking at the wonderful view of Cebu City at night, but my mind was adrift of to the heavens. I wanted to press on so much my heart inquires of the Lord for his purpose. I need to know it, I need to know his purpose, his divine will, so that I might not waste my life over some 'standardised formula' and how people will tell me how I should live my life.

As of this writing, I have not yet fully grasped his answer. I am confident he will tell me eventually, through whatever means he will use, for as long as he will be glorified in the process and in the answer, I will be appeased to wait upon it. Confident that he will prepare me for his answer, and equip me to carry those out.

Part of Sanctification: Fighting for Purity

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

God is holy. In some parts of the Scriptures, that attribute of God is even repeated thrice, “Holy Holy Holy is the LORD God Almighty!” And as children of God, we are also called to be holy. God is devoted to purity and holiness and also wills for us to walk in sanctification, as written in Thessalonians 4:3-5: that we should avoid sexual immorality, that each of us should learn to control our own bodies in a way that is holy and honorable, not passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. The verse clearly states that those who don’t know God pursue and practice those things – sexual immorality. They have no control over their own passions, but on the contrary, they let it drive them. God is omniscient; he knows that we have those desires in us because he made us to have those desires.

Ever since the LORD saved me by grace through faith in Christ Jesus, my walk with Christ has not been easy. I am not saying that in a surprised tone because the Bible clearly states in many instances that a believer will not only go through persecution for His Name, but expect loving discipline from the Father. As the writer of the book of Hebrews puts it, He chastises those he loves. Jesus gives this analogy on him being the Vine, and the Father the vinedresser, and we are the branches.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. – John 15:1-2

Most of his regeneration work in me is through the experiences he lets me go through. I believe in his sovereignty over all things in my life. He is in control and everything exists for his greater glory. In his sovereignty, he made me meet -. Ever since I met him five months ago, I have learned so many things that I would otherwise never learn alone. As I see it, we are two sinful people saved by God’s grace in Christ who, by God’s sovereignty, and for His sole glory, come together with the pursuit of marriage.

Five months ago, I was a very different person. Themes like Marriage and Sexual Purity are almost foreign to me. I read about it in Scriptures, but I never thought I will be putting it into application sooner. But as it is, the Lord operates on his own timeline, not mine. If it were me, I would think its so soon to even start being preoccupied about those things because I’m still single and marriage is too far out to happen. Boy I didn’t know I was in for a big surprise when he led - to me.

Being single in this lust-driven sinful world is not an easy battle, much more being in a relationship. The world around us promotes sexual immorality like it’s the normal thing to do and would even view Christians as an anomaly for not practicing it. Though it is hard, I consider it a blessing that God started this relationship being long distance, because the possibility of the danger of our hormones raging and the thrill of being in love with each other will eventually drive us to sin. I am not saying that being miles apart will exempt us from being careful.

Sometimes in our conversation, a harmless topic could spark into sexual innuendos. Most times, it would really stir something deep inside me (and him, too), thoughts that are not anymore pleasing to the Lord. I have struggled to keep my purity for the Lord. I despised the sin that so easily entangled me before and I am not keeping my guard down now. Jesus has paid a lofty price – Himself, to free me from that bondage of sin. How could I give the devil a foothold to delve in sexual immorality again disguised in another way. Had not been for the grace and mercy of God to keep us in sin, the spirit that would dominate now would be even greater because it will involve another person (which reminds me of the time when Jesus drove out the spirit out of the demon-possessed man).

It is a struggle, but Jesus promises it will be worth it. Jesus gives me and him sexuality to be practiced in the context of marriage. The Bible is explicitly saying that over and over again, so as to grill it into our hearts lest we forget. This is a new set of opportunity for us to be sanctified. “Pursue purity for Christ. Abstain from sexual immorality. Flee from temptation. He will provide a way out”, these are snippets of Scripture verses that the Spirit impresses on me in this walk. By His grace, He will preserve us. For His glory, and our good.

Helpful Resource:

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-far-is-too-far-before-marriage