Nicolo Immanuel's First Month

 From an anxious new mom

Our son celebrated his one month two days ago. It has been a month of sleepless nights and sleepy days, of patience being tested, emotions all over the place from postpartum blues, and how a single smile from my little one can alleviate all those bad moments of parenthood. The first month of motherhood has radically transformed the three of us. My husband learned to increase his patience, I learned to not be as selfish as I am, all of that as our little Nicolo is also bombarded with learnings in this new environment outside the womb. In all of that, I learned just how inadequate we are as parents, but God couldn't have mistaken to entrust us to be Nicolo's parents. He simply can't be wrong. This is all part of his great and unfathomable wisdom.

To quote and paraphrase a devotional I read:

The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.  (Psalm 121:8)

Ninth Month Thoughts

This week marks the 9th month of me carrying baby Nicolo in my tumtum, and with that, how faithfully God has carried us as a family all those months.

My mind drifts back to that time at Ecodorm when our bags are already packed for Bohol and like a last minute decision I told Nico I needed to pee. I went to that small bathroom we had in our little boarding house where Nico and I stayed. I wanted to pee before we make that long trip, I thought. And I thought, hey I still have one pregnancy test kit left, I might as well use it. I have done it a couple of times in the past few weeks, mostly out of curiosity, especially after I received our diagnosis of PCOS. We thought it would come out negative, just like it always has. We were not prepared to see what we saw.

Two red lines. Very clear. 

Nico must have took a video of it, I can't recall exactly. What I do vividly recall is us hugging each other and me shedding a tear from emotions unexplained by words. Ambivalence but primarily fear.

Naturally, I was afraid of what will happen in the future. Nico must be, too. 

December 20, 2020. I will never forget that day because the devotional I had that morning was from Matthew 1:23:

"Behold, the virgin will hold in womb, and will bring forth a son, and they will call His name Immanuel" which is, being translated, "God with us."

It's as if God knew that we will find out today that I am with child, that he knew we will be overwhelmed with fear, and that His Presence will address that fear. "God with us" -  Immanuel.

It is only fitting to give the baby that name - Immanuel - to remind us that no matter what happens, God will be with us.

And he has. During the whole 9 months, he has been with us. Those moments when I had to leave for Florida, the trip going to the US, all the pregnancy woes, the moments when I am overwhelmed at work, and the endeavors my husband has to go through: Jesus has been with us through it all.

I can be assured that in my labor and delivery, God will be with us; in Parenthood, God will be with us, in raising Nicolo, in our marriage, in every moment of our lives, God will be with us. He is Immanuel. Jesus will be with us.

Though I am afraid of what's to come, nothing comforts me from the fact that Jesus is with us. I have His word to remind me. And as if that is not enough, Nicolo Immanuel will remind me. 

All of Our Tomorrows

At this time, I am now in my 32nd week of pregnancy with Nicolo. By God's grace, I carried him from the Philippines, to Florida, then to Vermont. And though the Lord has been so faithful to us, the carnal man in me still makes me afraid of the thought of what might tomorrow bring. My husband could attest to that, too, as sometimes when at night before we sleep when we have those sleepy conversations of how our day is etc, we share the shudder of all that is parenthood.

Last May we celebrated Mothers' Day, and yesterday was Fathers' Day. Those days did not mean much to us as it did this year. For it only rubbed the fact that in a few weeks' time, we are going to be Mom and Dad to baby Nicolo.

I laughed at my husband's reaction the other day when I was unpacking the items we bought from Walmart for baby's arrival. He acted terrified and we both laughed while I removed all the tags and have the baby stuff be ready to be laundered. It was a momentous feeling for him too as yesterday, being Fathers' Day, was the day he set up Nicolo's bassinet. He said he shed a tear after doing that, saying it all seems so surreal. Baby clothes, burp cloths, diapers and wipes, teeny tiny mittens, caps and socks, oh, being able to purchase and actually have these baby stuff in our hands, I cannot accurately describe the feeling.

The question that comes to our mind every now and then is, are we even ready to be parents? We have only been husband and wife for 9 months, and in two months' time, we'll be assuming new roles as parents. But surely the Lord's ways are not our ways, his times are best. 

That is why, the title for this entry is borrowed from Sovereign Grace Music's new song, All Of Our Tomorrows. 

"When winter makes us reminisce
Of warmer days so distant now
Of cherished saints the sun once kissed
Whose beauty passed behind the clouds
Let all our fond and longing tears
Remind us we are pilgrims here
We trust You, Sovereign of our years
With all of our tomorrows."

We do not know what tomorrow brings, but we can trust God for all of our Tomorrows.